reassurance -
sometimes i need to be reassured. but i wont tell you that.

i havent been sleeping. ive been thinking about something i had no control over.
ambiguity, or something.

so i am tired.

3.)
The papers discussed by Katz and Light were both focused on the social, cultural and political factors behind restoration, but they were deficient in the “hard” science behind restoration. I have been asked to suggest some scientific based papers to help support the arguments made by these gentlemen. I’ll begin with Katz. Katz’s paper entitled “Another look at restoration: technology and artificial nature” combated the notion that restoration is, in fact, natural. Katz argues that once nature is subjugated to human intervention/intention then that natural entity becomes a human artifact.
Katz argues that restoration is not an analogue of nature and that a restored area or system is not the same as a natural one. In fact he believes that restoration actually devalues natural entities. To provide a scientific backing to this argument I would have included information from the paper by Stanturf et al. (2001). The paper discusses myths associated with restoration success. One especially pertinent myth with regards to Katz’s argument would be restoration could proceed with out management. Katz claimed that restoration is not a natural entity but rather a human artifact. He also claimed that there is some truth in saying that nature can “restore” itself, but not really because it can never have the same origin, historical continuity or authenticity once it has been affected by humans. Stanturf et al. (2001) claimed that restoration cannot proceed without management and they gave scientific backings to corroborate this claim. Katz could have used this to further prove that restoration is a result of human intervention; a restored area needs humans to manage it to be successful. If humans are needed to actively manage an area then nature has not been restored and furthermore the continuation of human intervention supports the idea that restoration is a human artifact and not a natural entity.
Light’s article “Ecological restoration and the culture of nature: a pragmatic perspective” discusses views of Katz and Elliot on the ethics of restoration. Light differs in opinion from Katz and views ecological restoration differently. Light believes that there is value in restoration and that in can improve a degraded area and he even concedes and agrees that restoration can be considered artificial. To add scientific support to the idea that restoration can have positive content can also be supported by the Stanturf et al (2001) paper, I would include ideas from the myth: desired future condition can be specified. Stanturf et al. (2001) describe how that even though a future condition cannot be specified function can be restored to an ecosystem. According to Light this replacement of function to a degraded site would be positive content resulting from a restoration. The site would contain value it would otherwise not have prior to restoration efforts.
Katz discusses ideas from Robert Elliot in his paper including that Elliot’s type-restoration ideas are really the same as the “replacement thesis.” Katz disagrees with the replacement thesis, as he does not believe that humans can restore/replace nature to a pre-human intervention condition. The paper by Zedler and Callaway (1999) discusses the ability of wetland mitigation restorations to follow a restoration trajectory and I believe that Katz could have included information from this paper to add a scientific basis for his arguments. Zedler and Callaway discuss the restoration of highly degraded sites and that there are many factors that interfere with ecosystem development. They also state that it is unlikely that such sites will follow a trajectory or meet goals because of high interannual variation. Katz could have used their findings to confirm his belief that humans cannot restore or create nature. The fact that these mitigation sites did not meet expectations and did not show promise of doing so in a timely manner would emphasize Katz view that humans do not have the ability to create or rather, re-create nature.
Light discussing Katz describes how one of Katz’s problems with restoration is it restricts nature from “self-realization.” Light sees this as Katz confusing restoration with mitigation. Light (2000) states, “that it is nonanthropocentric nature that sets goals for restoration, not humans.” On the contrary, mitigation is humans setting the goals for restoration. In the paper by Zedler and Callaway (1999) there is discussion about a mitigation site and its success. Light could use the results from this paper to prove scientifically that mitigation sites are different from other restoration and that there success is much harder to achieve and that they can be, and often are, created in areas where nature is not the designer. He then could use an example from another paper where restoration did succeed to further show the dichotomy between restoration and mitigation sites.
Katz throughout his paper emphasizes the danger of human hubris and the human belief that they can do anything, including the ecological restoration of nature. He makes the point several times that humans cannot restore nature and are only creating artifacts. To add a scientific base for this argument I would include the paper by N.R. Webb (1997), which spoke of restoring the Dorset heathlands. The paper deals with the best ways to approach restoration including practical and ecological considerations. Some of the questions it asks are whether to provide corridors for unlinked populations, minimize edge on existing patches, enhancing areas surrounding patches, et cetera. These questions are provided to develop a framework for ecological restoration. Katz could use this to support his argument. The fact that one would have to consider what type of restoration to perform, instead of a complete restoration due to myriad factors would prove the restoration does not restore nature. Nature would not have to ask permission to restore. This shows, scientifically, the shortcomings of humans in their ability to restore they cannot restore everything and have to prioritize aspects of nature over each other.
Light makes the argument that even if restorations are an artifact they can bear a resemblance to the “real thing.” He believes that if people, ecologists, restoratioinsts, et cetera actually partake in restoration efforts it would have the reverse of what Katz would consider humans domination over nature. If people experience first hand restoring nature and saw what human domination and harm has done to a degraded site they can better understand what causes this harm and how to object to it. Using results from the N.R. Webb (1997) paper Light could show how restoration efforts such as these could help connect people with nature, or the as he call is the “culture of nature.” Webb described the Dorest heathlands as being 85% destroyed by either agriculture or other development. With a decrease in farming land has become available to restore. Webb discusses the need to use all facets of populations, communities, and ecosystems to develop a useful criterion for ecological restoration. This approach at developing a criteria using scientific merit would enhance Light’s argument that this would help people become connected with nature and understand what degrades and what needs to be done to prevent further degradation.
Both authors make strong arguments that could appeal to a variety of audiences. However, the addition of pure science examples would enrich their arguments and expand their influence into a more bounteous audience. I believe that the suggestions I have made would allow for such an influx.

1.)
Although it is a more recent development in the scientific community, ecological restoration is a discipline that is not devoid of myths. Stanturf et al. (2001) addressed nine myths, misunderstandings, or partial truths that have surfaced while evaluating the success of bottomland hardwood forest restoration.

Afforestation is not the same as restoration. In my opinion the authors dispel this myth too readily. I don’t believe that this myth is entirely false, though it appears that the authors, contrary to their initial statements, do not either. I agree with their claim that afforestation is a necessary step in any forest restoration process. Furthermore, they assert that functional attributes are highly correlated to vegetation, especially forest cover, and also that a component of the hydroperiodicity of an area is the amount of canopy evapotranspiration. Afforestation is indeed related to both of these aspects, and the reintroduction of trees is an obligatory phase for restoring a bottomland forest. However, I cannot dismiss the myth that afforestation is not the same as restoration, simply because it is not. Ecosystems are exceedingly complex (more knowledge gained about them reveals yet much more that is still unknown – “the more you learn, the less you know”). The primary physical component responsible for maintaining bottomland hardwood forests is hydrologic regime, which has been drastically altered in most regions by human activities; flooding of riparian areas has increased in intensity and frequency. An afforested bottomland area will likely become a monoculture of trees (like silver maple) that are tolerant of intense flood events. This scenario could be likened to a plantation, rather than a natural functioning ecosystem. Yet according to the refutation of the myth, this reforested area would be a restoration success. Even Stanturf et al. (2001) go on to state, “There is more to restoration of a bottomland ecosystem than afforestation.” It seems then, the authors may have meant to say that afforestation is an important step in restoration. Certainly, restoration of bottomland forests is a much more intricate process than reforestation. Later, the authors claim that afforestation is a vital component of a restoration project, keeping the myth intact. Bluntly, afforestation is a tool of restoration, and not an analogue.

Restoration is easy – Anyone can do it. If restoration is viewed as afforestation, which it is not, then many believe that it is an easy task and that anyone can do it. If we follow in the misguided footsteps of the authors and view afforestation as restoration we will see that it is still not easy. Some of the problems that occur are poor seed sources, ill-prescribed species, improper storage of seeds and seedlings, and poor planting techniques. People also try to transfer the successes of one site and apply them to others. This approach is like prescribing everyone the same drug for a symptom of a stomachache; this is not a good idea if you are not aware of individual patient’s histories. They provide data for their attack on the myth, stating that 90% of the area enrolled in an afforestation WRP program in Mississippi failed. Furthermore, following my opinion that afforestation is not restoration, it can be seen that restoration is not easy as well, because if afforestation fails and is only one step then, statistically speaking, this multi-step task would fair even worse.

Desired future condition can be specified. Many people enjoy using reference sites as a gauge of restoration success. The authors view this method as problematic due to various factors. If one uses reference forests from the past they are neglecting to look at changes of the environment such as alteration of the flood regime and climate. The authors think that a better way to evaluate success is that of function and not naturalness. The fiction behind this myth is that future condition cannot be specified, at least at the individual level, and thus shouldn’t be used a guide to evaluate restoration success. To improve on this myth I would integrate the idea that nature isn’t linear. Using some of the ideas from Young et al. (2001), given all the factors present on a “successional trajectory,” we should expect different outcomes, at least on an individual level, to have a certain degree of uncertainty within them.

The same strategy is appropriate to all ownerships. I agree with the authors that this is absolutely a myth about restoration. The authors distinguish between private and public lands and the differences between restoring them. They discuss the differences in management goals and in restoration applications of such lands. This myth is a blanket statement and these are huge generalizations that are not custom-tailored to each and every system.

Plantations have no wildlife value. According to the authors of this paper, others have shown that there is value in intensively managed forest stands. However, many wildlife managers would like to opt for the lower-cost extensively managed approach. This approach typically takes at least 20 years before forested stand conditions exist. During this time many opportunities for species other than game species would be lost and the resulting stand would be insufficient to manage well. An intensive stand approach would provide more diversity at much more rapid rate as well provide opportunities for manipulating stand composition. Here, the authors explain how some plantations do indeed have wildlife value. I agree with them insofar as saying that this is a myth. Plantations do provide value for wildlife albeit contrived.

Understocked stands are sufficient. Canopy cover is the criterion for success of a forest stand. An intensively stocked stand can be considered a success in as a few as 2 years whereas an extensively stocked may take 20-40 years to reach the same level of canopy cover. For human desires related to management the 2 year track is much more desirable. Keeping this in mind, the statement “understocked stands are sufficient” is true. To improve this myth I would be sure to include something about humans and human conception/value of time, otherwise this myth would be true and not a falsehood. In my opinion to debase this myth one needs to use a timeline more suited to humans than say nature.

Preservation is the only valid goal. I agree with the authors that this is a myth. There should be other goals in a restoration plan besides preservation. The authors see ecological restoration as an element in the continuum model of sustainable forest management. They see restoration of a forest as moving the forest along a continuum from degraded to natural, which as a functional component goes from restoration to self-renewal. Since management is incorporated into many restoration plans, we would expect that harvesting might occur. The authors agree that this is feasible and with this they continue to negate that preservation is the only valid goal. To further disintegrate this myth, I would discuss, to a degree, what it means to restore a site. According to Katz (2000), restoration is not natural but rather a human artifact. Restoration functions, then, only to fulfill a human want, and if that desire is not preservation, then there are other valid goals. Also, restoration is not a complete transmogrification of what a degraded area now is into what it once was; rather, it renews certain facets of a said natural area. If someone only restores the properties related to sport fishery of a certain lake, then their goal is not preservation, but they are still restoring an area.

Ecological and economical goals are incompatible. I agree with the authors that this statement is indeed a myth. At a rudimentary level it requires a dichotomy between ecology and economy and nothing is that simple. There reasoning for absolving this myth is that, yes, these two are not mutually exclusive. With regards to forest restoration and wildlife management they state how there are cases where selective harvesting improves vegetative structure for wildlife. This harvested timber could be sold and ease some of the economic burden related to the wildlife management. To further expound upon this myth I would talk about ecosystem services. A restored area that is moving on the trajectory from restoration to self-renewal could provide other services that do not usually have a value attached to them. Processes such as erosion control, flood control, et cetera could be expected to occur at some restored ecosystems and these services could provide economic relief to said area.

Restoration can proceed without management. The authors are self-reportedly pro-management people and they believe that an extensive strategy does not meet federal program objectives for restoration and that the more benefits realized from intensive benefits outweigh the increased costs. I would disagree that restoration can proceed without management is a myth. Excluding major disruption i.e. mining, toxic waste, et cetera nature has a way of restoring itself without human intervention. The problem with this idea for humans is the timeline. Obviously, a “natural restoration” would take longer than most humans are willing or able to wait. However, this doesn’t stop nature from moving on its path towards the natural condition found on the restoration trajectory. According to Katz (2000), restoration is a human intervention and with that comes human time frames. Time is a human-contrived notion; nature’s perception is different from ours.

I agree with the authors for the most part on many of their arguments. Where I failed to agree with them was typically on issues related to timelines and conceptions about restoration as restoring nature rather than creating a system to produce a human want.

time is passing AS it often does.

what does anyone think about this saying or ones like it: "Thank God its not worse." Is this just humans wanting to rationalize things? we would never say "Thank God its not better," would we?

in la la land thinking about how i want the boom booms to pay may way.

so far my graduate school work has been given "b's". and people tell me i have poor writing. hmmm, if only my head wasnt in the clouds. or whatever.

eh,

its cold here.
i used to be a good student.

i am 85.57% sure that i will leave ohio within the next 6 months.

i had a great halloween.
good costume.
good times.
kristin got a in a fight.

here are a few pics from the party, however there are many more to see:
https://netfiles.uiuc.edu/pink/www/halloweenweb/index.htm

i voted today,.
i lost my wallet today.

go me.

everything is so blah to me here. but i cant rectify yet b/c i don't know how to fix it. escape is never the safest way, but maybe i should stop being a "safety pants."

today:
-i was an idiot to her.
-someone let the air out of my tires
-i didnt sound intelligent at ad hoc lab meeting
-forgot my stuff at lab had to go back.
-almost (so close) got hit by a car, still have a headache
-microsoft word shut down on my three time, i am not good at saving
-stubbed my toe
-cut myself shaving
-cut my foot on my speaker

and the days not over yet.

addicted to fossil fuels
so, just moments ago a jeep ran a redlight and stopped just before hitting my car/me at the drivers door. i swear, no joke, the jeep was so close that i could touch it if i stuck my hand out the window. my heart dropped and a headache ensued, i still have it. then within minutes more a car ran a stop sign and once again my brakes were applied and disater averted, but for how long?

i need to get a helmet for bike riding.

its scary.

ups and downs.

i wish i had a biorhythms book to look at right now, to explain the way i have been feeling. even though i dont believe in them, it might have been fun to have a lame excuse. does anyone like to fuck up? probably not, they only redeeming quality i can think of is that it will save you from doing it again and not feeling like you fucked up for the same thing again. iguess i need to remember that you're going to get wet.

i have a lot of school work to do. thinking that iam doing my best to live within the system.
if this was a "brave new world" i'd just take some soma. but you know what, that would suck. i wouldnt give up this reality. i'd just wish it was easier to be "perfect."

i'm sorry, i was wrong-headed.
i make mountains of nothing thinking its going to do something good, but it all does is make me feel like an asshole and in retrospect all i can think, is why did you do that? you know it wasnt a deal at all, its like for this tiny period, i lose my sense and end up being a dick which right before or after i know i am. then i get sick to my stomach and head, knowing the stupidity of it. i then i always am afraid that an argument equals the end, which it doesnt. but i feel like it might and then i clammer and get sweaty and poop alot. arguments are bound to happen if they didnt then somehting is off too, straight lines circle sometimes. so i am determined to grow into a better person from such situations, it scucks to be wrong when it hurts others though.

on a lighter note, poking throught the grey cloud i created, i am excited for halloween. this should be the best costume i have ever had. juxtaposed to my usual torn up dirtied clothes that i used to fancy.

so many things running through my head.

'people running running running'

is there more than one school of thought on the subject?

should i stay in ohio where happiness is fleeting for the sake of doing something "different" & to get another diploma/sheet of paper a little quicker?

or:

should i listen to my heart?

here i am again on my ...
eh, the tyranny of distance.

nest.

time heals all wounds, but does it create them?
or rather, is it space?

poodle

have i laid down on the tracks?
is there no rescindment?

on the one hand the easy way,
the other the much harder.

things will get harder before they get easier.
how much of hard can one person take? can two persons take?

tearing down the facade.

why do we,
fuck it why do i get stuck in these situations. i mean i'm doing this b/c i feel like its what i am supposed to do. what i am supposed to do? that seems so inane. arghh.

the smell of a familiar orchid
i had the best weekend that i have had in a long time. the time spent with her was at a level we haven't experienced in awhile and it felt like goodness, a honest to goodness friend.

for·ev·er ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fôr-vr, fr-)
adv.
1. For everlasting time; eternally.
2. At all times; incessantly.
n.
1. A seemingly very long time.


i have a lot of school work to do this week, but i am dragging my heels.

"i don't like my current situation" sing it like "the never ending story"

size 6, vintage styling
this past weekend i was whisked away to urbana, illinois. hi, i am in urbana, illinois. and i had a wonderful time. the time i spent with her was marvolous, we had (i felt) a reconnection (for lack of better term) and i felt good. i am usually Grumpy McGrumps when i first arrive in urbana for any number of self-delusioned reasons. fortunately that was short lived. and for the first time i wasnt the only one outwardly 'upset' at my leaving and this made my heart heavy. i have decided that i am allowed not to like my situation here, i am allowed to change my mind. and i feel i may need to do just that.

we go through things like when one moves like - of course its going to be hard and that its something you just got to buckle down and do. but is it, why leave just to do it or for the reason it has to be done sooner or later. that rationale belongs to the absurd, but i guess i/we are irrational, but that leaves me no solace, i still think that its not something we have to do or have to live with. i am allowed to say this was silly or whatever.

today was the first day i got a little nervous about school work and with that brings a different cloud. --- my current thing is that i just want a masters degree and more or less its content is not of the most importance, i just want the methods associated within it and the sheet of paper it will afford me, which makes me think that moving somewhere else or moving back would not alter my educational/work path. its so easy not to give a shit.

job: eh, thinking about having some sort of 9-5 job does not thrill me. i dont want to do anything sometimes.

tired.

download this file for a sadistic laugh.

also i made the images up top randomize.

peas and love.

~* I am a visitor here *~
today i went to open a can of vegetables (result of the poorest produce section i have ever seen) and realized that i do not own a can opener. this just seems to prove my unsettledness in my new abode.

Science brings gifts of convenience to the modern man - the aquabats.
and I couldn't a few bucks to go to grad school at u-c ---> *

i have been so thirsty. and i can't seem to quench it, every swig feels like its running over a sand bed.

i spend my time trying to kill the hours. often this is done by the act of consumption. i know i could be more productive, but its hard. argh.

*el fondo*
So, I was just searching, or trying to search about lottery statistics and such, and then realized what I am doing? I'm trying to win the lottery - for what - to procure absurd amounts of wealth. I get caught up in "things" possible with such treasure and then I stop b/c its not healthy.

My parents were here this weekend. We didn't do much, we did eat Indian food and it gave us all gas. I felt sorta bad thinking I should have been able to be more entertaining. Alas, it was nice to have them here, but it was also tough, kinda. I mean I love them, but sometimes I can't help but withdraw and get annoyed at questions which I take as inane but aren't. Sometimes its hard to talk and that troubles the mood. My sister cried about her contempt for school and didn;t want to talk about the things that bothered her at school or only replies with "because." I know my mom is not excited with her current life, "same shit, different day" is her common response to many questions about what's new. i guess i'd just like us all to be excited and interested/interesting. I get notions, like that of winning the lottery so she wouldn't be 'stuck' doing something she doesn't like, she is not without her demons either w/ regards to wanting a way out, at least in monetary manners. Also, I know I have been 'blessed' with certain opportunities, that mom hasn't had and don't want her to think me an ingrate. I don't think she does. But I am having a hard time with my new situation. Choice and decisions i'd like to think my life isn't ruled by destiny or aleatoric events, that I have some say in the matter. Does everything happen for a reason?

I don't like a lot of people, it doesn't mean I am brash with them but I don't often care to persue relationships with them. So, I had people I liked in c-u and I left. Its not that I am averse to meeting people here or becoming friends, but I haven't the want. At least not now. I liked what was there so why did I leave? I know growing, meeting new people etc etc is supposed to be good, but how many times does that need to be done and do I need to move to poohio to do it? is it harder because I have a lover away from me? Yes. Is it the only reason for my despondency? No, its just that I am not a bedfellow with certain types of change. do i feel empty? no. complement, not complete.

in the words of Kahlil Gibran:

"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music"

so where does all of this leave me? it leaves me in a cogitative hole.

i think that i might be able to do this,
but is it what i want to do?

i could finish here faster,
but i'd possibly be spending time where i rather spend time somewhere else.

my classes have started and i still haven't made any friends.

the above photo is me in the Des Plaines River near Hodgkins.

peas.

this week i have been a part of a crew that has place about 1500 buckets of sawdust in grids on the ground.

choices and their evaluation is what i have been doing lately

nothing is undoable,
nothing is unsurmountable.

baby steps.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.


As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.


As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.

the weather - built to spill

Do you want it to be outside, in the cool night, where the stars gravitate toward you.
Do you want it to be outside, in the cool night, where the fog wraps itself around you.
Do you want it to be outside, in the sunshine, where the clouds take their places for you.
And the wind and snow, and the rain that blows; none of those would matter much without you.
As long as its talking with you, talk of the weather will do.
Do you want it to be outside, in the cool night where the stars gravitate toward you.
Do you want it to be outside, in the sunshine where the song keeps itself inside you.
And the wind and snow, and the rain that blows; none of those would matter much without you.
Nobody's hoping for better days;Noone knows what to do.
You're okay in your secret place,Noone bothering you.
It might save time if I meet you there,but I don't care, I'd rather wait for you .
When noone's home and the weather's fine,I'd rather wait for you
When noone's home and the weather's fine,I'd rather wait for you.

today i saw a women with probably the largest posterior to overall body size i have ever seen.

i did some work. i have some more to do.

i am beginning to realize that this should work, even if its not ideal.
but i tell myself, and i think its true, that i would leave if i had too.

schedule. i want one.

so emotional.
sometimes i cry more than i need too.
or maybe i don't.

i am going to float on with this, and try to remember that when you live in the future, you lose the present.

i forsee myself getting used to the routes between here and my lover.
and that sounds ok with me.

i havent been a good friend to most as of late. i am sorry for that. but i don't know if i would do it differently, had i the chance. forgive me. and lets build the bridges again.

Ohio - modest mouse

Took a bus straight to Baltimore
On the way he took a nap
Dropped off a note that said "I'm giving this note back"
PS- There's a lot going on underneath
There's roots there's pipes, there's drainage leaks
You're on, you're wrong, Ohio
Truly sorry, I see clearly
Calmly crashing, I pace faster than anyone
Hinges rusting, they swing louder than anything
Truly lonely this place is flatter than it seems
I'm upset and I leave the doors wide open
Our hearts are used up, cracked and dry
Pulled the scabs off of regrets
We haven't learned to eat our conscience yet
Truly sorry, I see clearly
Hardy hoping, I spend it all on game machines
Calmly crashing, I pace and I figure out again
One hand clapping, awake but napping
Rows of lights to illuminate lines
Why don't they turn them off and let us see night
Drove crazed grooming my lies
You can't look in on one way eyes, Ohio

my thoughts still gravitate her way.
my stomach is still rumbling.

i havent brushed my teeth in days.

my stomach is still upset and my head is still heavy.

my sleep was filled with realistic, unwanted dreams. not nightmares, but bad dreams in which things that are not monsters, that are "bad" happen. but that are also things that could happen, it was like that scene from "the birthday girl." it was real enough to make it a little worrisome.

i wake up on the couch and the dog is at my feet. i try to battle the sunshine off my face but the window and lack of functioning window covers do not make this an easy task. i get up. watch the news. eat about 7 stale cherrios, i dont have a toothbrush here. i ask the dog "want to go out" and with reluctance she comes off the couch, but she doesn't want to go out. she stands aways as i open the door. i coerce her by exiting the house myself and she followed. grandpa's feeds her some of what he eats. i offer her pick 'n save white bread which she doesnt want. he leaves the t.v. on for her, i switched the news off enough violence for her and left her with the cartoons on.

property of u.s. government - not for sale. the va hospital is a bit different than other hospitals, its a bunch of smaller buildings that are not connected, which makes it seem not as formidable, more warm than most of the gigantic hospitals i am used to. his room was mauve, puce and the complimentary blue of those colors. there was a poster-sized dalmation photograph on the wall. his hand was sore, red and dry along the pinky which did twitch more than it didn't. his uniform made me think morrocan, even though it looked like a prison uniform. he took a hit from his "peace pipe" a nebulizer and as he did he fell in and out of sleep. looking down his legs to his ankles i cam upon his socks. which are cut, to make them looser as liquid collects in his legs, which is something i don't quite understand. grandpa's old but plays with it. the nurse comes in and asks him various questions but his answers are indirect enough to make the nurse unsure of his condition. he tells he drove, she asks where's your car? grandpa says i don't know. and pauses, she looks slightly, very-slightly worried. then after enough time elapses he tells her that sercurity moved it for him.

when we live in the past, it costs us the present.

at my grandpas. a farm. there is an anti-fur sticker on this keyboard: funny.

from an email i sent to Her:
so i got here and there was no one here. so i fell asleep thinking that grandpa would be back at anytime. while asleep i had a dream in which grandpa was sick and was giving my guff for my lack of visits. I wake up and grandpa is still not here. i call home and tell mom, she calls me back and tells me he is in the hospital. but by this time visiting hours are over and i am feeling sullen or something. so i am here on this farmstead by myself and admittedly i am a bit scared. dark and empty. only the sound of the mechanical breathing of grandpa's oxygen machine. he has canned corn and diet 7up. the water is mineral laden.

seperation is healthy, but its hard to come unglued sometimes. no one can be on guard 24/7 and no one can produce the goods for 24/7, so abscence is needed to make the time together more enjoyable. brethers, rest, seem to heighten the time then spent together, sometimes change is hard. even when for the beter.

time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing
time is passing

i went to mexico last week, it was pretty cool. i am going to ohio in a month and i am scared. i am in love and i am not so sure i am in loved with back, which isnt really all that pragmatic. but there is a toll booth in our communication pathway and i am not sure what the fee is. i get emotional too often without as much cause as before. routine. its so hard to become unglued. fun, its amazing that even after 12 hours apart there is so much to share. imagine a day, or a week or a month. but how much time/distance will cause that great divide? i dont think there is a real answer to that.

i dont know.
but life has a funnyway.

argh.
waking up at noon, one, two or whenever always has a certain appeal to it. but it doesnt feel quite as good as one might think, at least not for me.

i feel like i should feel like an adult. and that has a weight.

heavy.

fruit flies like a banana,
time flies like an arrow.

entering the stretch.

i have been craving garbanzo beans, I have three times since yesterday. its weird.
so are lots of other things.

its weird because i really dont drink milk that often, but the other day i had some in one of those little boxes of fruit loops, also a rarity, and used the method of converting the box into a bowl, anyway its been sitting in my room for a while and now the milk smells bad and furthermore so does my room.

minerals make the mind numb.
lotteries help us lose our souls.

lilies intice our smiles.
forever is just another name for a waste of time.

deposit.

i wonder, all the time.
say hello next time you come by.

time.
i don't always feel linear. so why is time?

the descent begins.
it taste like candy -- but not forever.
i am in one of those moods - a funk -
not knowing what i need, pretending its this.
its not -- life has a funny way.

my problems are small.

c'mon where are you. my life lately.
me. sleep less. me play outside today. me take naps. me go to school. me drive a little more than usual and feel bad about it. the weather though has created a sense of needing not to drive an auto. eh. not much else.

lately i have been thinking about how i would like to regain some spanish skills. perception, language can be integral in presenting some information. rewind: i got one valentine this year and i think it was the best ever. it had a margaret atwood and paulo cohelo quote in it. my friend abbey is going to africa on friday and wont be back until july. i will miss her and only now do i realize some of .......... keeping my head from the dizzy. i sleep less, i live more. sometimes.

chooze bronze.

i go to college. i study half-assedly. i spend time with people, but as of late mostly her. I am "trying" to go to more school. my head is okay. my roommate is clockinh his brain at 100 over his gf who broke up with him, i can see me a few months ago in him, and there is really nothing i can say to make him feel better. thats ok. i have been sleeping less. i have been eating more. i really like trees. i like the wind. i like recorded music. and the smell of oranges. i am thinking about the niceness of a wrist without a watch. about the apple, the potato, the tulip. friendships and queries.

valentines day?
guff.

So i had a wierd night, not a bad one.
should have made an effort, where i thought one wasnt wanted
should have got out the bed.

breathe in, breathe out.

i get caught in semantics. and in - of mice and men.
(best laid plans go awry.)

set em up, to knock em down.

as i put these notes to paper.

is there anyone. i feel like i am building myself up to be knocked down and perhaps I am.

or how we can only trust what people tell us and i don't like feeling that i can't trust someone, or at least its good i guess to know that i can't trust them.

i make wierd ass situations in my head of these grand visions of deceit being played against me.

or whatever.

i hadn't vomited in 7 years.
well my body still has the capacity.
i don't like poisioning myself.

i have been working.
the doc is putting me as a coauthor on a paper, neat, sorta.
i am still playing the game that is life.
am i winning or losing? my game is not played quite like that.

i have been playing the guitar.
how are you?

i have my conception,
and you yours.
i wonder where they meet and where they don't.

i am not going to run,
i might cry.

sooner or later you'll have to choose.
I have been reading and thats great.
eating a lot of tofu.
and just having fun.
went sledding.

with all of these lights and, now, the snow the sky is purple at night. no real night time. can there be a real day then?

i have been looking at trees alot.