download this file for a sadistic laugh.

also i made the images up top randomize.

peas and love.

~* I am a visitor here *~
today i went to open a can of vegetables (result of the poorest produce section i have ever seen) and realized that i do not own a can opener. this just seems to prove my unsettledness in my new abode.

Science brings gifts of convenience to the modern man - the aquabats.
and I couldn't a few bucks to go to grad school at u-c ---> *

i have been so thirsty. and i can't seem to quench it, every swig feels like its running over a sand bed.

i spend my time trying to kill the hours. often this is done by the act of consumption. i know i could be more productive, but its hard. argh.

*el fondo*
So, I was just searching, or trying to search about lottery statistics and such, and then realized what I am doing? I'm trying to win the lottery - for what - to procure absurd amounts of wealth. I get caught up in "things" possible with such treasure and then I stop b/c its not healthy.

My parents were here this weekend. We didn't do much, we did eat Indian food and it gave us all gas. I felt sorta bad thinking I should have been able to be more entertaining. Alas, it was nice to have them here, but it was also tough, kinda. I mean I love them, but sometimes I can't help but withdraw and get annoyed at questions which I take as inane but aren't. Sometimes its hard to talk and that troubles the mood. My sister cried about her contempt for school and didn;t want to talk about the things that bothered her at school or only replies with "because." I know my mom is not excited with her current life, "same shit, different day" is her common response to many questions about what's new. i guess i'd just like us all to be excited and interested/interesting. I get notions, like that of winning the lottery so she wouldn't be 'stuck' doing something she doesn't like, she is not without her demons either w/ regards to wanting a way out, at least in monetary manners. Also, I know I have been 'blessed' with certain opportunities, that mom hasn't had and don't want her to think me an ingrate. I don't think she does. But I am having a hard time with my new situation. Choice and decisions i'd like to think my life isn't ruled by destiny or aleatoric events, that I have some say in the matter. Does everything happen for a reason?

I don't like a lot of people, it doesn't mean I am brash with them but I don't often care to persue relationships with them. So, I had people I liked in c-u and I left. Its not that I am averse to meeting people here or becoming friends, but I haven't the want. At least not now. I liked what was there so why did I leave? I know growing, meeting new people etc etc is supposed to be good, but how many times does that need to be done and do I need to move to poohio to do it? is it harder because I have a lover away from me? Yes. Is it the only reason for my despondency? No, its just that I am not a bedfellow with certain types of change. do i feel empty? no. complement, not complete.

in the words of Kahlil Gibran:

"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music"

so where does all of this leave me? it leaves me in a cogitative hole.

i think that i might be able to do this,
but is it what i want to do?

i could finish here faster,
but i'd possibly be spending time where i rather spend time somewhere else.

my classes have started and i still haven't made any friends.

the above photo is me in the Des Plaines River near Hodgkins.

peas.

this week i have been a part of a crew that has place about 1500 buckets of sawdust in grids on the ground.

choices and their evaluation is what i have been doing lately

nothing is undoable,
nothing is unsurmountable.

baby steps.