everything is so blah to me here. but i cant rectify yet b/c i don't know how to fix it. escape is never the safest way, but maybe i should stop being a "safety pants."

today:
-i was an idiot to her.
-someone let the air out of my tires
-i didnt sound intelligent at ad hoc lab meeting
-forgot my stuff at lab had to go back.
-almost (so close) got hit by a car, still have a headache
-microsoft word shut down on my three time, i am not good at saving
-stubbed my toe
-cut myself shaving
-cut my foot on my speaker

and the days not over yet.

addicted to fossil fuels
so, just moments ago a jeep ran a redlight and stopped just before hitting my car/me at the drivers door. i swear, no joke, the jeep was so close that i could touch it if i stuck my hand out the window. my heart dropped and a headache ensued, i still have it. then within minutes more a car ran a stop sign and once again my brakes were applied and disater averted, but for how long?

i need to get a helmet for bike riding.

its scary.

ups and downs.

i wish i had a biorhythms book to look at right now, to explain the way i have been feeling. even though i dont believe in them, it might have been fun to have a lame excuse. does anyone like to fuck up? probably not, they only redeeming quality i can think of is that it will save you from doing it again and not feeling like you fucked up for the same thing again. iguess i need to remember that you're going to get wet.

i have a lot of school work to do. thinking that iam doing my best to live within the system.
if this was a "brave new world" i'd just take some soma. but you know what, that would suck. i wouldnt give up this reality. i'd just wish it was easier to be "perfect."

i'm sorry, i was wrong-headed.
i make mountains of nothing thinking its going to do something good, but it all does is make me feel like an asshole and in retrospect all i can think, is why did you do that? you know it wasnt a deal at all, its like for this tiny period, i lose my sense and end up being a dick which right before or after i know i am. then i get sick to my stomach and head, knowing the stupidity of it. i then i always am afraid that an argument equals the end, which it doesnt. but i feel like it might and then i clammer and get sweaty and poop alot. arguments are bound to happen if they didnt then somehting is off too, straight lines circle sometimes. so i am determined to grow into a better person from such situations, it scucks to be wrong when it hurts others though.

on a lighter note, poking throught the grey cloud i created, i am excited for halloween. this should be the best costume i have ever had. juxtaposed to my usual torn up dirtied clothes that i used to fancy.

so many things running through my head.

'people running running running'

is there more than one school of thought on the subject?

should i stay in ohio where happiness is fleeting for the sake of doing something "different" & to get another diploma/sheet of paper a little quicker?

or:

should i listen to my heart?

here i am again on my ...
eh, the tyranny of distance.

nest.

time heals all wounds, but does it create them?
or rather, is it space?

poodle

have i laid down on the tracks?
is there no rescindment?

on the one hand the easy way,
the other the much harder.

things will get harder before they get easier.
how much of hard can one person take? can two persons take?

tearing down the facade.

why do we,
fuck it why do i get stuck in these situations. i mean i'm doing this b/c i feel like its what i am supposed to do. what i am supposed to do? that seems so inane. arghh.

the smell of a familiar orchid
i had the best weekend that i have had in a long time. the time spent with her was at a level we haven't experienced in awhile and it felt like goodness, a honest to goodness friend.

for·ev·er ( P ) Pronunciation Key (fôr-vr, fr-)
adv.
1. For everlasting time; eternally.
2. At all times; incessantly.
n.
1. A seemingly very long time.


i have a lot of school work to do this week, but i am dragging my heels.

"i don't like my current situation" sing it like "the never ending story"

size 6, vintage styling
this past weekend i was whisked away to urbana, illinois. hi, i am in urbana, illinois. and i had a wonderful time. the time i spent with her was marvolous, we had (i felt) a reconnection (for lack of better term) and i felt good. i am usually Grumpy McGrumps when i first arrive in urbana for any number of self-delusioned reasons. fortunately that was short lived. and for the first time i wasnt the only one outwardly 'upset' at my leaving and this made my heart heavy. i have decided that i am allowed not to like my situation here, i am allowed to change my mind. and i feel i may need to do just that.

we go through things like when one moves like - of course its going to be hard and that its something you just got to buckle down and do. but is it, why leave just to do it or for the reason it has to be done sooner or later. that rationale belongs to the absurd, but i guess i/we are irrational, but that leaves me no solace, i still think that its not something we have to do or have to live with. i am allowed to say this was silly or whatever.

today was the first day i got a little nervous about school work and with that brings a different cloud. --- my current thing is that i just want a masters degree and more or less its content is not of the most importance, i just want the methods associated within it and the sheet of paper it will afford me, which makes me think that moving somewhere else or moving back would not alter my educational/work path. its so easy not to give a shit.

job: eh, thinking about having some sort of 9-5 job does not thrill me. i dont want to do anything sometimes.

tired.