I got hit by a car yesterday while on my bike; fuckhead on a cell phone.
I am fine though.

It happened about 20 seconds after I was talking to my friend about not wearing helmets.
ha.

We've pushed for that embrace. It is here and it is transient, but right now it feels good and it feels like it means something. What is the something? I am not here to define something nor do i want to really. There is still hesitation and that will probably end when it all ends. How much do we protect ourselves from others and how much do we protect them from ourselves? I don't know. Why do I always want nail my heart down, because I know that when it ends it will hurt to pull that nail out and let it be free again. And with freedom I want confinement, so is that cycle really freedom then, because it appears that I choose that course of action. So it goes

nice.
nice, you are.
thank you for being you.
real skill.
running, stopping, but still moving.

trying, but i am looking forward to failure.
all over it.

my current basket:

1.) Everything is finite.
2.) Everything is ephemeral.

I am running with it, right now. Live in the now, I am so often in the future. Trying, I am, to be here: right now.

opening jars.

i am two spheres.
i am two spheres.

will your green growth consume me?

stars bleed your name.
but the light evaporates like it never came.
you are a stranger to me.
i won't tell you my thoughts / they are always in your shade.

i lay in the soil, soiled.

i wait.
until its my time to bloom,
and present my new awkwardness to you.

you know what your problem is, you don't remember.

winter is coming and i enjoy hiding in the extra garb. things are pretty static and thats ok.

just spent a week at home.
it was nice.
thanksgiving stuff.

i think.

the game engages.
i don't want to win,
because i don't want the end.

its fun until the harvest.
"tag".
timing is everything,
i release my grin.

My voice has a quiver.
A quiver is where you keep arrows until you shoot them.
--Jim Carroll, "The Child Within"

i know but i dont.
but is this too my advatange of theirs?

so hetero.
i get stuck. i need to be me, but i want something else to cling onto. or just something that makes me feel like i am doing something even though i'm not: social security. but, whatever. i mean people typically equate to learning and i say that i am into that. but effort. i mean effort. effort is hard to gauge when i am looking for an ending that i cant describe. maybe its that i just cant wait. i don't know.

hmm. school. life. learning.
Sometimes I wish I was a better student, because eventually that would lead me to that height of intelligence that I currently want. Sometime I just float too much. With finite time I want infinite knowledge.

today was a yin-yang.

I stand erect.
Will you make me bend?
I don't know.

Going to go forward,
Let's hope you have an excuse.

Fade to green, your compliment.
Either way is full of lament.
Spring loaded step.
Thoughts hide why I wept.

Illuminate the rust.
Its only me I can trust.

inhale.
lie awake.
think.
exhale.

let's not begin.
hide your grin.

If we're risk averse,
our lives can't help but be terse.

I venture past the reference.
I am still waiting for you to finish the sentence.

There is going to be an asking,
funny how we need to mask it.

forefinger and foreclosure,
why wait until you're sure?

I just want to be forthright.

the weather again is 'nice'
and this brings with it hope.
unlike the vacuum sometimes associated with the cold.
but its all relative.
today, right now, is hope
or maybe just naive admiration.

"Understanding has been replaced by the mechanics of memory."

what am i so afraid of?
what is there really to fear,
nothing is unsurmountable.

the weather is fantastic and I got a great letter from todd today.

yay!

thought i knew.
i did in the daylight.
felt bad for having feelings.
she has already acted.

honesty even after a lie feels good.
everybody lies all the time.
where do i draw the line.

a line in sand,
if you reach over i am afraid i won't take your hand.
i want that link,
but its weathered and weak.
if i try to balance,
i'll be the mute and you the speech.

my mind makes circles.

its a closed track.
then it shifts, not going back.

cough.
arm hurt.
inhale.
sodium receptor.
arm hurt.

there is always another hot one.

i am thinking of you less.

yesterday i totally fell on my face off my bike.

same as it ever was.
statements unkept.
i fall harder.

my hit rap song
i have come to an undefinite conclusion
there are no real solutions
when we move forward we only change the resolution.
these horizontal lines are great divides
they dont allow us to collide
when i see you, i dont see me
thats the way you wanted it to be.

When my mind's uncertain
My body decides

done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done done donedone done

rough.
sucks.



smile.
smile.

i think, i remember, i see, i cry, i look, i talk, i smile, i feel

time to think for only me (and the earth and its creatures, kinda) and to be myself, by myself.


feeling better.

I saw peter singer tonight, nothing new, but interesting. also of note was who elected to sit next to me.

just bought the new Death Cab CD, I am sure it will make me happier.

a heart that hurts is a heart that works.
- juliana hatfield.

.

first a digression from the break:
this grad school shit is scary. i mean i remember how scared I was when I came to U of I. Relocating again to be with all strangers, thats heavy. Change. I am looking at states like ohio and indiana, I mean c'mon. It makes me secondguess my guesses of the future.

My sister's away message:
you said when I was ready..
you'd be waiting...
for sure this time.

-How internet savy we are.


I am going to try to do some HW, good luck mike.
thanks mike.

this morning is better so far.
still woke early.

r.w.emerson

Our first journeys show us how little difference places make. At home I dream that at Naples, at Rome, I can be intoxicated with beauty and lose my sadness. I pack my bags, hug my friends, get on the plane, and wake up in Naples, and there next to me is the cruel fact, the sad self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from. I look for the Vatican and the palaces. I pretend to be intoxicated with sights and suggestions, but I am not intoxicated. My giant goes with me wherever I go.

"that the outside can't penetrate to your insides, that your soul is a free as you can think of, and that the actions we do don't mean much, especially when they are for other people. So I don't know what I am trying to say, maybe I am saying is that you come first, and thats it."

"just try to listen to where your heart is beating. and once you figure that out, try to stop listening to it, and keep up with it, don't let it yearn for elsewhere"
-tahd

let go.

we rock we rock around we rock around.

school, more school. I am thinking about being a graduate. hmmm.
I had an inside out oreo today, not as good as the original.

even though I am not personally dwelling on the matter: money sucks. its like a god in the power that it can hold above us and its not even animate.

overwhelmed. seems like I am overwhelmed alot. but why. if i dissect just about any situation i can see there is no reason for this.

faster.
focal.
we flee from the scene.
uncover truths that are green.
onward we forge throught the fog.
there is no reason.
will the song be sung.
or is the day done?

i saw a truck on its side, charred cab and lumber over the road and it made me think.

Aeroplanes aim at angles anticipating akwardness amongst avians.
Best bets bestow brainwaves brackish beds before becoming brown.
casper caught creatures crying clever constructs claiming captivity can create.
dreadful demons deem daring dances delightful.
everything eats envy enveloped edibles each eon except eloping elephants.
five frenzied fire fighters fought flames from far-away, featuring favored flags found fantastically frightfull.
green goblins gobble grapes given great girth.

messed up.
the future is a hole.
back to the past,
my present is unable to give.
cyclones.
business casual goodbyes.

proverb.

i cant whistle and i cant blow a bubble. I am ok with this I am just saying thats all. I ate indian food with my hands the other day (curries) and well it was nice. next time you eat, take that fork and hold the food above the plate but dont put it in your mouth. see how long you can last, do you have control over your food or does have control over you?

until then

applesauce.
things lost.
energy concentrated into black.
take it back.
listless and heavy.
running on *e.
lost and searching.
pain, the past both lurking.
i hope.
we hope.
words don't work when our minds are broke.
show me how it hurts.
i will absorb and reflect.
this trainwreck.
curse. curse.
making amends.
translucent gray,
pretend, believe it'll be ok.
I always want the end to be the same.
pray or don't.
dream i don't.

free as a flippin bee
frolic, frolic
new this, new that
its amazing,
leaving what i took for granted.
one day this will be old too,
and it will taken too.
but now I am free,
my roots shrivel alone.
will have the same demise.
it wont matter because i am as free as a bee.

not too many people read this.
if you do call me.
or send me your number and Ill call you.
KIT

backwards lament.
forward intent.
time wasted.
time spent.

fallen asleep.

hung your voice with the telephone wire,
11 key punches feed my desires.
Hello,
goodbye.
Controling you from afar.
Hello,
goodbye.
swallowing your voice,
you are left behind,
if you were given the choice would you change your mind?
Hello,
goodbye.
I pen the page,
create your face,
make your age,
state the place.
does it make you tired?
like it makes me?
do you even notice what it is I do for you?
you cannot escape when you sense no danger.
Hello,
i can see.
i can see.
goodbye.

rely intr.v.
1.)To be dependent for support, help, or supply.
2.)To place or have faith or confidence.

We rely on others and that is all we can do outside of ourselves.

mine
mine
mine
mine
mine

Its that time again, when thoughts are drifting towards that of the "growed-up" world. I was thinking today that I don't ever want to work an honest days work, in the conventional sense. so be it. Maybe i will be able to do this. Time will tell. I am a lover and I am loved. Fear is so weird, I don't want to be afraid, but sometimes I am. I feel like I should'nt be afraid ever that's not the way it goes. I want to be educated, what am I waiting for?

i use tools.

fun, music, life, laugh, discordance, dance, sleep, wake.

had a good weekend, with friends. friends are great. sure sometimes i want to be naked and free. but other times I don't mind electricity and what it affords me. i use the tools. tools don't make things sour, people do.
using what I got.

j

poetry is dead,
and so is the poet.

I don't want somebody to love me.
Give me charcoal,
and a face.

Lips perched,
I flee ( I always do).

release me.
release me.
iron and gray,
release me.

an invitation for me,
thank you.

thinking,
plotting,
plans go awry.
i try.

fastened to the breeze,
brains are tools.
advancements.

progressive income tax.

sillouettes and silk,
blushing.

turning away from the sun,
light reminds me.
as does the dark.
we miss.
I missed.

Four.

i kept my distance, cuz she falls in love with everyone

sheets still not on the bed -- i go to sleep.

truth/lies

its all relative.

time

i went to springfield this weekend.
springfield kinda sucks, but I had a good time.

echo behind.
out of mind.

shallow depth,
its been unkept.

can't stop.

the sun drip drip drip drip drips the moon.
my blood drip drip drip drip drips maroon.
the coffee drip drip drip drip drips down the spoon.

con con con con con consumed.

its like of mice & men. at least thats what it seems like. best laid plans go awry,

crackle crackle songbird.
voice leaves warm.
stay.
ink on.
dirty face welcomes me.
sweat reminds me.
like a sponge I consume.
i exude to you myself.

summer's song seems fleeting (somtimes.)
I have been enjoying myself lately.
Music really kicks my ass, I am trying to explore some older music, but to no avail as of yet.

saying 'fuck' aloud.

Moving units' song "I am" is kicking my ass.

its ok with me.
the weekend was good.
waking up. waking down.
water wets and surrounds us in sound.
waving good day.
erasing a frown.
painting what we say.
breathe with the trees.
aloud.

sunshine drip drops.
clock tick tocks.
time goes nowhere.
sometimes.
crash crash
boom boom.
nevertheless,
I am smiling.
neverthemore,
I am smiling.
it may be behind an iron face,
its there.

sometimes i just got hung up when i dont get everythhing out. i dwell. i dont expect the same in return, i really dont. sometimes i just forget what i expect or dont. so then i dwell. its going.

today at work I slept in a van and read a chapter in a textbook. and i got paid.

i got you a present. i'll wait until then to give it to you.

i check my email like a burn victim pressing the button for more morphine, only I find no solace as the machine and wires check for "electronic-faceless thinking of yous." I suppose just like a person with charred flesh and singed hair, my need to press the button will too recede.

why bother? its gonna hurt me.

a note on culture. we all want to experience alot of things and may even have expectations about these. we can't experience everything first hand. we use culture to assimilate the most we can about that in which we do not experience personally. we all want something always, we can't have it all. how do we decide, then, what to do, which things to experience. and what to abandon?

its hard tending to the garden, when you know the hail storm will destroy it.

am 1 , 2 , or 3.
you decide. so will i.
thats why things are fine.

here i go again.

scare ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skâr)
v. scared, scar·ing, scares
v. tr.
To strike with sudden fear; alarm.
v. intr.
To become frightened: a child who scares easily.
n.
A condition or sensation of sudden fear.
A general state of alarm; a panic: a bomb scare that necessitated evacuating the building.
adj.
Serving or intended to frighten people: scare stories; scare tactics.

i am reading the catcher in the rye for the first time and I am liking it. I need some other books, suggestions?

i am done being a jealous guy.
hopefully in practice as well as theory.

nothing at last is sacred
the brain thinks,
while the heart weeps.
finite.
finite.
everything is finite.
looking ahead, the end is told.
finite.
what about now?
what about now?
chapters are written with different pens.
choosing my own adventure, while she does the same.
only the endings are not the same.
pain.
finite.
everything is finite.
including me.

I want to get digital , digital
i want to get digital , digital.

back to urbana, tomorrow I work. 40 Hours a week kinda scary, but its outside i think so yay,
i am feeling okay, I think I need a book to read, otherwise the tv may lure me in.
until then, friend.

80 new cases of SARs
sometime s we go to KAMS and get well you know unsober
soemtiunmes when we are there we see
RB ALUMNI de la clase de 1999.
densie betti, mnike lunallim, julia walther, dace cashin, etc
who cares,
peace.

this is the end and so anti-climatic, but they always are, they are always anti-climatic.

What have you done for me lately?

trust me. trust me.

Oh, Baby Can't You See . . .
well its alot, god its a bunch. Summer approaches and I hope that it proves to be a interesting one, if nothing else. A rock band is in the mix and summer school, both a first. I have a job and a gardern. i hope to build an empire this summer of multiplying meat.

seven clouds at dusk
here we enter the final stretch for yet another semester.
today i am looking forward to completing yard work.

bastard lips and angel kisses.

its tiring fighting the future.

it makes you laugh,
brought down the house
we sought intervention
but were still lost.

i am really good at being moody. But i cant help myself. i havent read a book for a while. I have a receding hairline, comb-overs loom. We are watching Roger and Me in class, why are we so crazy? I want to go to far away places. Its lame in checkers that you must jump when possible.

had a party this weeked.
it went well
I am a bit tired and things like this. No excessive drinking for me, yuck.

Bm G D
Stupid Idiot Mother-Fucker

Bm (stupid)
G (idiot)
D (motherfucker)

hit song.

In the year 2000...
Is there anything that we can do when we grow up that is work, but isn't? I don't want to work some lame job to buy laundry detergent and toliet paper. Then I think is there is a "job" that will not be lame. Are all jobs lame by their mere nature. And right now I don't know. I want to say I am scared but that is just a cop out, i am not scared of what is coming but rather what might not come or what might be taken. something like that.

somber sky.
gray.
this seemingly lifeless color has power.
gray.
we all feel it.

the rain. melts me like waves on the beach.
drip
d r i p. d r i p.
stars fade when you gasp.
yellow lights infest the dwellers in my scalp.
forcefield, I have erected one.
take cover under the falling sky.
echo takes form under pale lights.
melted sand and fake tree phenolics help me create.

sometimes cuss words are so much fun.
other times no, they never add to character but shit.

Summer is approaching and I am excited/scared. full time job, hopefully six hours of class.
i only think of being tired.
but maybe I am just being dumb thinking that.
grown-up is very scary.
huh.

eat the fucking mango,
bitch.
nothing more to add.
i fall down.
rhymes in my mind,
leave it the shit alone.
why do i feel so dumb.
idiot.
fucker.

falling swiftly thorugh the grains,
my weight the same as my shadow.
i have become the same as i was.
reflections keep me bound,
ready to pounce.
far from here the sun rises again.
milk from a mother makes martyrs whole.
tone like a vapor escapes through my grasp.

went to the ultimate "colleg"bar tongiht,
they played ingformer by snow.

a headache loooms/.

i feel weird.
i feel weird,
is all she said as he walked away, slowly.

forced to create a face.
sad.

ketchup flows like the rain of a volcanoe falling down the silly sky.
green isles.

flickers of desire in the form of seeds.
planted in the gr oun d.

growing with unrest.

across my chest the words of time.

erased myself from the line in which i am drawn,
closer to the .

alone.
alone.
alone.
alone.alone.
alone.
al o ne.
alone.

alone
alone.
i fall asleep to the sound of the dial tone.

solo oigo trueno,
mis pensamientos han sido en la tormenta,
la lluvia esta limpia, pero no es el mismo para mi

red wraps around a face,
perhaps I was too afraid to believe,
naive.

the sun shaded by the earth,
shoelaces flail in the wind,
fallen.

interesting how the sirens ring,
stowed in a pocket,
concrete.

had a birthday tuesday.

its hard to see out the window,
when its painted black.
its hard to laugh,
when only pain is left.

RAMBO III
Today I used John Rambo and a scene from Rambo III to make a point about the evolving thesis. Once you have the text, you need to chisle away the excess to make your thesis the right one, it takes some sculpting but it is always there. Just like Rambo is a soldier, even if it wasn't for the army and the colonel.
On top of all of that I just wanted to use RAMBO III as an example in this freshman rhetoric course. no one questioned it. ha.

flew a kite today.
onur got his stuck in a tree and for over an hour he threw a piece of wood at it. to no avail

let's go fly a kite.

i would like at childrens shoes when I was about 10 or so and would determine if they were needy.

the world ends.

school has been going fine, I have been tired and this seems to be only begetting more tiredness. Things are going well here. My dad still needs time to adjust to living alone. I am in the process of writing hit songs with use of an electronic drummer.

thats it for now.

dying sucks.

its hard to write while listening to music.

C.S. Lewis made an observation applicable to do-gooders everywhere: "Of
all tyrannies, tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be
the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral
busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be
satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so
with the approval of their own conscience."

think think think, work like a bunny.

i am at college, but I am being very university.
boo hoo

i needn't worry.
go to sleep.
go to sleep.

forceful accusations of aspiring beauty.

possessions. possessions.
we all have.
i possess possessions. we all possess.

maybe i am already here.

fleeting is the feeling,
of regret.

did we all fall down?
just so we could stand back up.

face the front,
face the front.

profound.

i will eat your soul.

Friends came down this weekend, we had fun cutting up the rug at C-street. Todd smelled like vomited poop this morning, i almost upchucked.
greg danced at a gay club. wow.
it was fun.

the time 750 am, the event going to class

calamity!

my handle bars snap, i fall.

i get pissed at bike and leave it like the leper that it is.

no puedo entender los sentimientos,
un dia, otro dia el mismo pero todavia differente.
tal vez, no podemos entender.
pero de vez en cuando, quiseria averiguarlos.

i feel like a dumbass tonight. i say dumb things, do dumb things. and this all relates to circumstance, so perhaps any other night i wouldn't feel 'dumb' but tonight I do.

revitalize my ambitions,
take off my socks before i sleep.
in the morning i choose different socks.

the start of the semester always makes me feel overwhelmed, but that usually always dissipates and that is a good thing.
grandma died last week and their are still things to attend to, and uncle t is getting 'better'.
i am tired, but thats okay. not much is new here at the college, its look as if it is going to be challenging.
good.

the faces frozen to the time.
the people afraid to move.
the moonlight escapades around us.
we devour the glow, with tact.

In WinSkaSin here at my grandpa's. Lots of ideas, car rides, by myself help me with this.

He/we/I are wishing for one incurable disease for another.