Sunday, September 26, 2004

*el fondo*
So, I was just searching, or trying to search about lottery statistics and such, and then realized what I am doing? I'm trying to win the lottery - for what - to procure absurd amounts of wealth. I get caught up in "things" possible with such treasure and then I stop b/c its not healthy.

My parents were here this weekend. We didn't do much, we did eat Indian food and it gave us all gas. I felt sorta bad thinking I should have been able to be more entertaining. Alas, it was nice to have them here, but it was also tough, kinda. I mean I love them, but sometimes I can't help but withdraw and get annoyed at questions which I take as inane but aren't. Sometimes its hard to talk and that troubles the mood. My sister cried about her contempt for school and didn;t want to talk about the things that bothered her at school or only replies with "because." I know my mom is not excited with her current life, "same shit, different day" is her common response to many questions about what's new. i guess i'd just like us all to be excited and interested/interesting. I get notions, like that of winning the lottery so she wouldn't be 'stuck' doing something she doesn't like, she is not without her demons either w/ regards to wanting a way out, at least in monetary manners. Also, I know I have been 'blessed' with certain opportunities, that mom hasn't had and don't want her to think me an ingrate. I don't think she does. But I am having a hard time with my new situation. Choice and decisions i'd like to think my life isn't ruled by destiny or aleatoric events, that I have some say in the matter. Does everything happen for a reason?

I don't like a lot of people, it doesn't mean I am brash with them but I don't often care to persue relationships with them. So, I had people I liked in c-u and I left. Its not that I am averse to meeting people here or becoming friends, but I haven't the want. At least not now. I liked what was there so why did I leave? I know growing, meeting new people etc etc is supposed to be good, but how many times does that need to be done and do I need to move to poohio to do it? is it harder because I have a lover away from me? Yes. Is it the only reason for my despondency? No, its just that I am not a bedfellow with certain types of change. do i feel empty? no. complement, not complete.

in the words of Kahlil Gibran:

"Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music"

so where does all of this leave me? it leaves me in a cogitative hole.

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