Sunday, June 30, 2002

last nite i went to improv & i wasn't that funny, but this is okay, because i can't always be funny, i know. i didn't get out any abortion or other taboo/social commentary jokes, but you win some. passion, is it overrated, or i am just obsessing. hmmm? i need to read more, becuase i want to be smart (educated). i am at home and i don't do much. i polished my boots today. girls. girls, are nice, in fact i like them and think sometimes i can talk to them better than the average male. but sometimes others seem that an attraction (physical or mental) will occur and this causes me to think since i dont this is always or has to be the case. is it that "this person is a girl and we get along and i am hetero then we should date or some non-sense like this". so then i start again. here i am. i have been selling stuff on ebay and playing guitar. i am limited with my gutair skills and i suppose this could upset me, but i am complacent(sp). so i might now advance to this situation i am holding back on, because, in honesty, we live only once and well sometimes it looks good and sometimes it looks bad, really bad.
using this logic i would also get a tattoo.
i have also been thinking about how we edit ourselves, on purpose or otherwise. trying to create a perception of ourself that might not be true and that might not be the same for every person.
** i love water. water is really beautiful. **

Saturday, June 29, 2002

right now i am holding back, and making excuses, about making this decision/commitment becuase i am waiting for, or thinking about, something i once wanted, knoowing that now this older situation won't happen and is better if it doesn't . but, just maybe....

if i take the new and an oppurtunity for the old arises, then what?

Thursday, June 27, 2002

sometimes, i think, that is reflect, like Mrs. Jurgens made us do at the end of each quarter, that I am a rather low mantinence, almost boring guy, and i don't mind.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

money is a pest in my life from time to time and at times i dwell upon the subject with too much intensity. money , money , its silly.
why do i work / (slash) give my life for a few bucks an hour? to buy stuff with money, but what stuff do i need to buy? exactly. exactly. i wish i just had it, that school was paid for, that my parents had no debt, but then i would be a different person.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

what would my life be like if i didn't listen to rock'n'roll? the first rock tape i got was jimi hendrix, ultimate experience. i, myself, and alot of others identify each other or their groups, etc using the music they are aurally stimulated by. so i was just thinking.

Monday, June 24, 2002

somtimes i am a loser. this was a spark test.
(Submissive Extrovert Abstract Thinker )

Like just 6% of the population you are a MENTOR (SEAT). Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.

The reality is that you DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet you are extroverted and intelligent, and you like to get involved. So you help others with the pursuit of knowledge.

You're the reason that people say "teachers are also students." You are as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies you.

You won't die a lonely death, but towards the end you'll grow introspective, wondering if your life meant anything. This will last for decades, and you'll die after your spouse.

my sentiments relating to work always arise when i get a job. is this amount of money really worth the barter, that is to say exchange, of money for my life. the answer, i think, according to me, will most likely always be 'no'. forever? maybe.

i saw minority report last nite, it was a good flick.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

i have just regressed from this party, or perhaps more elegantly stated i have just returned to my home. i was at a party, where the most of the people consumed alcohol (at one point i could draw the the structure for ethyl alcohol) or maybe the alcohol consumed them. i decided that getting drunk is not for me, besides the obvious health risks, i mean becoming drunk in truth is killing yourself. so to me if i drink, why not smoke, eat meat, etc. or maybe this is just crap. i like my friends for the most part better when they are sober, now that i have drank (across the sea), i can make this choice, without hearing the addage don't diss it 'till you try it, even though that saying is really not important to me. i guess i dont get the appeal, and this is probably a good thing for me, with my family history.
my assinine behavior has been about the same, though i am trying (in theory) to be less assinine. i guess i only edit myself around certain people, and when i do this its because i really like these people or because i have very little intrest in them, or in other words, people from both ends of the gamut.

i am a creep, you've already crept.
you are asleep, i've already slept.
under the north wind, i've begin to spin.
i admire your courage,(&) the truths you have foraged.
now you edit your memories,(&) i am just one of the sundries.
you are weeping, i've already wept.

now i know how joan of arc felt.

Saturday, June 22, 2002

my prayers are almost always bonded with newly made wants of worry. and with this, afterwards, i think that maybe this is not cool. that if i am going to have these prayers, or rather say these prayers, which are actually tacit, well at least non-verbal to other non-telepathics, that i should do outside of times, situations, etc where they are not a want. usually they are for safety, for someone other than myself. like now, which soon, or most likely soon, i will we think, boy, was that unfounded or what?

Thursday, June 20, 2002

i have started.
the x marked my stop, but i missed it.
now i have no destination,
i truly would like to find, find one.
a real one.
my question now is - How?

i went to wisconsin and there were many wonderul smells, mostly released from plants being cutdown. they were glorious. saw grandpa, he is doing well for an 83 year old with emphysema(sp). Then i thought, not a new thought, everyone i know and don't know, will one day die. this is not necessarily an emotional thing. but i was speaking with Jeff about the fact the he has never had anyone close to him die and this truth to an extent makes him feel like less of a person, not experiencing this situation. i was like i guess, but on this idea, we are all less of person because we can not possibly expereince everything. this why we rely on each other to relate certain things, in order to advance ourselves as much as we can, to reach a destination.

Monday, June 17, 2002

it was brought to my attention yesterday that perhaps online journals are lame. i then decided why i like them.

a. as of know i havent given anyone this address. private, kinda.
2. It helps me write knowing there is the potential for someone else to read it, i like it better when i feel like i am writing to someone else, even though in theory i am writing to myself.
c. you're a gimp

Last night i saw a thing about people who were blind and this new medical advancement making them not blind, or less blind. Then i thought about how dependant we are ( i am ) on vision. Some of the best communication is unspoken and while we maybe able to still accomplish this communication w/o sight, i think it would be way different. i suppose this is true about many thing, i digress.

still on the hunt for a job.

Sunday, June 16, 2002

played some music yesterday, i dont really like my voice for singing because i get an idea in my head of how i want it to sound and it does not sound that way. me and jeff did jam though it was fun, we are thinking of maybe writing some rap-metal/nu-metal songs. i have read one book this summer and have started two more. i have read 'the river why' by david james duncan and now i am reading 'a peoples history of the united states' -by howard zinn and 'brief interviews with hideous men' -by david foster wallace. i need to do more, fufil my desires of fufillment, and be outside more.

Saturday, June 15, 2002

sometimes things from the past surface, which i guess is a given. or sometimes maybe you fuel that situation. but then what. you want part of it but not all of it, or maybe just that part that one time and then what. it is nice outside right now and i just got out of bed. so right now i am dealing with my past in the future. Tambien, hoy hablé con mi amigo en Espana, ! que guay! also, i have made a resolve not to be such an ass, i'll see how this goes.

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

the absence of passion, still plagues me. from time to time.