Sunday, December 29, 2002

merry ho ho . etc etc.
I am tired always, getting mad at the sun. Things are different now I am not the same man I was. I am reveling in the concept of not having to do anything. hopefully I don't waste this time and make it the most decadent it can be. When I look backwards I always come to the forwards making a circle.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

the shades go down
rahr me tired.
test tomorrow.
test today, test yesterday. i am not complaining, my brains aworken.

nothing much to report. have you hugged yourself today? or given a hug? you should.

Sunday, December 15, 2002

pry apart.

my mind is filled with the future, but I am living in the now.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

tired. i am tired.
I come home soon a little more than a week, to sit, to sit, to read.
live and learn.

If anyone reads this that I know, could someone tell me how I have changed since high school. I am feeling very static in this dynamic world.

peace be with you.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

today i sat in a corner and just listened.

Monday, December 09, 2002

i suppose that carries some baggage. maybe to be addressed later.

I have a receeding hairline.
I have a receeding hairline
I have a receeding hairlin
I have a receeding hairli
I have a receeding hairl
I have a receeding hair
I have a receeding hai
I have a receeding ha
I have a receeding h
I have a receeding
I have a receedin
I have a receedi
I have a receed
I have a recee
I have a rece
I have a rec
I have a re
I have a r
I have a
I have
I hav
I ha
I h

Friday, December 06, 2002

hey! by the way,
stop and look forward.
No more glitter in their eyes,
absolved of any disguise.

here we are: ready.
able to lunge into the challenge.
we might have solemn looks,
but that all fades with anger.

wrote too many letters to send,
it is always done like this it seems,
feelings sheltered and truth subsides,
and all we felt was green.

Thursday, December 05, 2002

i have recessive alleles for the following:
-attached earlobes
-blue eyes
-ability to taste PTC
-unable to curl my tongue

did you read what I wrote? recessive.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

my, how time evaporates.
It was as if I just started school and now its about over (semester). Signed the lease today we live here again next year. I have stuff to do. Christmas is soon upon us.

Sunday, December 01, 2002

a quick summary of the past week, i did basically nothing, squandered my time and watched entirely too much television. this equates to me having a lot of friggin work this next weeks. i did jack, i saw my friends only a little. saw my family and ate like crap. i suppose this refelction could sound macabre but its not, its just a marker, a reminder of what not to do all the time. it was kind of like the deadly sin of sloth, but then again the 7 deadly sins are not in the bible but are rather just a concoction of the church. i also didnt brush my teeth for a while: bad. went to the dentist: good. I am going to watch tv now and go to bed: seriously.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

i think i have ADD.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

I am coming home thursday night, i haven't been home since september. two tests to go. maybe, if i am lucky I might get to write two papers over break. right now i am listening to the descendents and I have been up for about a .5 hour, early.

Sunday, November 17, 2002

study study study
is all i am doing (kinda) If i was a real student always it would be whack. Three tests this week, blah blah. I have been studying a bit hanging out a bit. I went to Wabash College this weekend, it was fun, yesterday till today i was in a bed for about 15 hours. However i didnt sleep in excess. ummm, going to study now.

Friday, November 15, 2002

looking into the water,
all we see is reflections.

all we want is redemption.

all i want is gone.

Wednesday, November 13, 2002

i have been more student lately. writing and reading etc.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

the sun shines every morning.

Monday, November 11, 2002

then i get defensive, which includes thoughts, often racing. i remain tacit.

tonight i said something not important.
tomorrow i will do the same.
I did it yesterday as well.

i would like to say ouch, or just cower when confronted. but to be honest i have no good explanation. but when confronted i do question my nature, unfortunately i dont think i know exactly what it is i should be thinking about or saying.


Sunday, November 10, 2002

el mensajero no esta importante. me gusta mucho esta frase, no se porque pero me gusta mucho. cuando esta frase esta dicho, tiene un sonido muy bonita o algo como asi. Y por eso voy a continuar diciendo esta frase.

Friday, November 08, 2002

i have been writing seemingly without stopping about trees and forest ecology. yee haw. in fact double yee haw. i am doing fine, perhaps still on auto-pilot.

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

last week a really cool guy, tom sullivan, died. I hadn't thought about him much recently . i hadn't seen him much since college started. but in that year of working with him, i became sure he was a seriously cool guy. so now i think about that. and how i should be that cool, to do something to help. i didn't know him as well as others, so i can only imagine what they feel like, those who were his 'kids'
out. then i think maybe i am not allowed to have these thougts, since i haven't seen him for awhile. but then i know that is dumb.

talking about raves in canyons and the divergence of hippies.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

had a party at the house this weekend, had some friends down.
'this is the best party ever' - onur armagan.

i want a sequel to the affair from before,
to draw tight the drawstrings from earlier.
I want to be released through the action of taughtness.
then I want many things.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002


blue house.

it stops short of beauty,
not to say it is ugly,
but suspended.

say what you mean.

it stops short of ugly,
not to say it is beautiful,
but suspended.

Monday, October 28, 2002

they need to create within an escape,
burned my retina trying to sleep,
carboard boxes and yellow string,
ingredients to calculate the mean.

falling stars and helium ballons,
everything reminds of you.
me minus me equals you

walking backwards trying to erase,
flickering lights that already came,
its your bedtime soon,
these books have print but no words,

people want they can't have,
plastic money and burning leaves,
caustic smiles create wishes,
the waves are home to the fishes.

falling stars and helium ballons,
everything without you.
me minus me equals you

forced to launch further into the abyss,
metallic laughter turns brighter,
the lungs go go deeper.
emotions lust for the situation.

felt like a icicle melting at the tip,
carvings in the kitchen floor,
antique fossils are nevermore,
conversition over before i moved a lip.

falling stars and helium ballons,
i have forgotten you.
me minus me equals you

saw wilco tonight and they rocked it hard.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

she folds the clothes in the laundromat. She sometimes wishes that she had a washer and dryer, but not today. The smoke covered window looks out onto a busy street, she watches the cars pass without paying much attention to them. She wonders why the dryer scent on her clothes smells so good, but is so synthetic. Her mother is to meet her tonight at her house for dinner. Domesticity was not something she was akin to and because of this dinner tonight was going to be pancakes. She was not one of those people who make strange faces when people eat typical breakfast foods at other times in the day. Her mother wouldn't mind either. Maple syrup is so good, but she really like the real kind in the gray jug, but usually buys the synthetic type becuase it is cheaper. She places her laundry into the trunk of her hatchback and proceeds home. She checks the answering machine but there are no messages. No news is good news, she says aloud, liking the static nature of her life.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

i have been saying lots of cuss words in my head.
which then leads me to thinking about the fact that i need to be more student.

i got up at 11:50 am and took a nap from 7:30-9:30pm.
wow. um, not much is up. i have some school stuff to do.

i think i have music for about four songs and about half the lyrics.

fun fun fun till daddy takes the t-bird away.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

erased the poetry tonight.

yesterday i ran in puddles/rain with my friend and went dancing with friends.
today i ate pizza,lentils and apple cider, picked apples, raced wagons on the quad, and played games in a church basement.
I have work to do tomorrow.


Friday, October 18, 2002

stop being a nay sayer worry-wort, i said to myself.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002


think of one thing and remember it,
think of one thing and remember it,
it'll be the last time you see it,
the last time,
as you were.
i can't promise you, but take it as one.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

i want to create.
i got a test that i wanted to put on the fridge today.
go me.
'a problem forgotten is a problem solved' - snailhouse

Monday, October 14, 2002

come and gone.
all i hear is radiation.
all i fear is penetration.
i want to be alone, no one to distrust, no one to love except myself.
i still scream when i am lonely, my cure for the empty.
and i am happy with this cavity.

go to dream, go to feel well.
awake to flames, awake to hell.

frigidiness is an insulation, however oxymoronic.
these thoughts are not morose.
i am trying to remain pure, respect my request.
carrying shovel i leave this the way i entered.

go to dream, go to feel well.
awake to flames, awake to hell
go to dream, go to feel well.
awake to flames, awake to hell

return to sender, non-apologetic.
i have been cleansed,
purged for their well being,
my seething thoughts have ceased,
a haunting peace now resides.

go to dream, go to feel well.

awake i remain.

practice makes perfect.

nutrition is often forgot.

test tomorrow. hope it goes well.
still need to be less college and more student.
other that that, had a good weekend with a girl.

'full of hows, but empty of whys'

Friday, October 11, 2002

i saw matt sharp tonight (ex weezer, ex rentals) he played all acoustic very soft music for almost 2 hours. it was different, he sang about girls alot. i got two cds today, sbb/tcl split and this guy called rocky volatato they are both good. i think i have a song almost done, i am getting more comfortable with my voice and any shortcomings involved with it. ummm, thats it. i am reading the book 'desert solataire' by edward abbey, so far so good.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

i live in the basement. no one visits just to hang out, only if they need something. alot of my relationships are like this, i have to be the initiator. or maybe i just don't wait long enough, although i don't think this is it. so i am kinda bummed right now, for multiple reasons. nothing major.

his throat swells leaving him tacit,
had things to say that are now only thoughts,

she looks beautiful tonight not in a lustful way.
she is glooming with an energy that would be hard to justify with words,
he wants to say 'stay'. he can't.

as the match's flame draws to a close and the odor fades
he can only think of the what if's.
annoyed at this.

they embrace each other, if only in their minds.
the dawn approaches and they will be gone.
but for now, they are the soul propriators.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

in the middle so to speak. but actually i am basically on one side.

Sunday, October 06, 2002

tomorrow i want to wake up and be better,
i want to be best i want to be best.
naked in my newness,
crawling toward my new afliction: the start.

today/yesterday i ate wild rice, a banana and conrflakes. i drove to and from st louis, saw a cathedral, a zoo and a rock show. cursive wailed hard. the other bands were also good. on the way home and i didnt use the stereo either, just me and the dark. me and my mind. i had a good time.

Saturday, October 05, 2002

all we can do is be honest,
with ourselves and others.
yet this is easier said than done,
i am a witness.

Friday, October 04, 2002

i just at some yogurt (that is really a funny word) i hope it wasn't bad. in other news, i was in channel 15 news last night for like point five seconds. i helped give away free vegan food yesterday on the quad to raise vegetarian awarness. it was nice. tonight i am going to see nirvana live.
its raining now and its beautiful.
hasta entonces,

Thursday, October 03, 2002

to save the world we need to do a few things. 1.) Be an interested person. 2.) Be an interesting person. 3.) Stop professional wrestling.

i took a few exams this week, which then tells me (like always) that I need to study more and me more student and less college. Hopefully i will do better next time, not only for grades sake but also for the general education/learning process.

Monday, September 30, 2002

i am not a person
i am a monster
i will devour your fears,
& shed a new skin to keep abreast,
the numerous stories of defeat.

i could change your life,
just look into my empty stare
and tell me you feel the same.

you are free to go,
on & on & on
but remeber the pattern
we traced on the wall
and told each other that tommorow will prevail

he looks anxiously at his BMG music service catalog. overwhelmed by the cds that he could acquire at such a low price. (to be continued . . .)

Friday, September 27, 2002

i was told this week that all life is is a series of chemical reactions. hmmm?

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

so i am not able to be a good student. i mean, not even that, i guess i am lacking ambition. or something, but i have this way of just exisiting almost on auto-pilot, not in the sense of predetermination, but rather like i am on this frictionless plane - which i guess could be equated to life for me at this current time. i suppose i could change it, but will i? the question of the hour (couple past years) may unfold itself at some point. until then i am open. hit me with your best shot.

eye contact.

we looked at each other. just looked, not a word. i broke it.

distant, recently i have been feeling away from some of my roommates. possibilities: 1. i am a gimp. 2. i have been on edge. 3. they dont care. i just want to have fun and grow. so it goes. i study for 40 minutes today, high five

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

bored. i cause this state, i have known this but tonight its been confirmed. ever just want to give up?

my current mood is inanimate, recently 'bad luck' has fallen upon my family, everything should be fine. i am just here. drive, its not there, though this is not uncommon.
continue my search for harmony.

Monday, September 23, 2002

hello. indecision still plagues me with a certain subject.

ahora, debo estudiar, pero no puedo hacerlo, porque tengo problemas de estudiar. tambien, quiero obtener mas inteligencia, por necesito para guardar la Tierra.
En vez de estudiar, estoy en la red, buscando para nuevos grupos de rock, 'que estupido' pero ahorita voy a estudiar arboles porque manana tengo una prueba.
quiero algo mas,
pero no se que.
es que no se que decir.
hasta entonces.

Sunday, September 22, 2002

just wanted to be special,
its understood that your not.
this statement is crucial,
but its been forgot.

like the fallen flower,
yesterday had a sunset,
the need to devour,
the beauty at rest.

we play under cover,
to relenquish the desire,
sometimes we start to smother,
its now grown tired.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

so yeah, normality seems to be the key here. i am feeling just alright and this is okay. hello.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

i have been eating alot more than usual. i rode my bike today and i didn't meet anybody new.

come and gone,
the fall always leaves me like this,
i wanted to write,
but i had this other obligation.

forgive me,
as i have forgiven you in the past the horizion,
we'll see each other again we start this cycle,
of goodbyes.

a flicker of a flame,
i want to describe you as this,
but it just sounds lame.

you are my escape,
the end all of end alls.
you don't know it.

now i think i will retreat,
its alway better than a defeat.

until we cross again,
i'll write this name in ink.

a friend.

Sunday, September 15, 2002

she whispers:

i want to feel like no other,
free with a sense of direction.
she looks into a empty glass,

the emptiness for her isn't a bother,
in the absence she finds perfection.
she awaits for life in the grass.


Saturday, September 14, 2002

i went dancing tonight at a place called chester street. it was a good time.

i thought i was right,
but i always do.

absurdity with humility,
a great learning tool.

once to often,
to remain status quo,

somtimes i waver,
in the shadow of comfort.

the light still shines through.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

things that make you go mmm. i listened to pump up the jam today as well as rythm is a dancer.

i don't like cigarettes.

saw a bluegrass band tonight and i enjoyed them. i am back to my old school habits already, so it goes.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

this is unrevised, the more i read the more lame.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

'A picture is worth a thousand words' are the only words present on a white sheet paper folded twice and placed in an envelope which was delivered to her yesterday, also enclosed in the envelope was a photograph.
He, Ethan, has been having problems with some ordinary things lately, not problems like tying his shoes or other actions in this vein, but rather with accepting things without question. 'Why do we organize books like this' he thinks to himself, in his head. 'It seems so arbitrary, I mean this process of placing books on shelves is so archaic.' He is surprised at the order of the books and how well kept they are, with respects to the massive volumes the library owns. 'The books could have any organizing symbol or marking on the binding, signifying its spot on the shelf. Why this one?’ He has thoughts similar to these with some frequency; usually they do not linger, but rather leave almost as quickly as they appear. Often times these thoughts come to him while he lays in bed, unable to sleep, sweating. He thinks of her the most; she is the metaphorical log in his fire of thought.
She holds the photograph and examines with the curiosity much like that of a young child. Her face holds a poise of what could only be described as astonishment, that is to say there is no other way to delineate this expression. She pauses her thoughts briefly, in the intermission she thinks about the hangnail on her left thumb, it is irritated and she gnaws at it with her teeth. This action takes only but a few seconds, but it is enough to make her experience the photograph anew, when she comes to.
Ethan was made cognitive of her in a non-descript way and they slowly began to become acquainted. Interestingly, he for some reason was able to deluge her with information about himself. She was reluctant to share quite so easily, but was an eager listener. Ethan soon became secretly enamored with the aforementioned female and was to an extent consumed. Consumed by thoughts of her, ones he had never experienced before, they were just thoughts that can be best described with words as the thought/vision of her name in his head. He found this odd, however had neither tactic nor desire to combat it. She on the other hand was naive to Ethan’s newfound fascination of her. Everything she did was a sign to him, a notion, albeit tacit that implied she felt the same way. He thought about how her body language reminded him of the way yogurt always sticks to the foil lid. Of course he could never act on his speculation in case he was wrong, he wasn’t (how could he be?), but just in case he was he would play it cool for now. That was then, but how about before then.
She turns the photograph over as to expect notation of some kind on the reverse side, her speculation proves to be correct. In green ink, near illegible is a scattering of words; she is dubious of the meaning of the message. She now sets the envelope, paper and photograph down and runs water for a bath.
Passion, if I could find my passion, then I would be happy. Is what Ethan thought not that long ago. When he informed his buddy of this passion to find a passion, his friend just gave him the ‘yeah, whatever look’ and proceeded to give no heed to this notion, but Ethan insisted that this was what he needed, in addition to what many other people needed as well. Passion will set my path and allow me to be me. ‘ Find your passion? Is it in a word search? How does one find their passion?’ ‘I don’t know, yet’ Ethan declared, ‘but its out there waiting.’ ‘I don’t know E, it just sounds lame. Doesn’t it?’
‘I’m not weird I’m gifted’ he reads a key ring attached to a students backpack, it is one of many. ‘Why isn’t there a comma after weird?’ he perpends. This novelty item leads his mind into its vortex of tangents.
She immerses herself into the warm water. The fragrance of rose hips is present; it came from a plastic container, making it somewhat of a saccharine smell. While soaking in the bathtub with the invigorating steam of rose hips, the debacle of the mysterious letter was cleansed from her, if only for a moment.
‘Is a straw a vacuum?’ he thinks. This leads him to think about other things, including but not limited to the following: What does one call a newborn giraffe?, Why does alcohol disinfect?, etc. Then he thinks about her. And think he does. He has found his passion: her. Only, she is oblivious to this notion. When he does think about her, it as if he was standing next to a marching band during its most obnoxious cadence, that is to say that his heart and mind create something strongly percussive within him. His foreseeable next move was to want to spend a considerable more amount of time with her, she noticed.
Upon this encroachment of her beloved ‘space,’ she retreats from his new radical advancements. She ‘likes’ Ethan, but doesn’t understand his persistence, which ultimately makes him rude. His rudeness consists of calling and electronic mailing with a frequency that almost warrants the title stalker. She isn’t confrontational and instead tries to slip away from him slowly. To an extent she is a little frigid. Ethan does not welcome this change.
His calls become more constant, he doesn’t leave his house on the chance that she might call him. He is a fanatic. His path was to be set straight by none other than his passion: her. How dare she revoke his passion, he would never in a million years do this to anyone else. He would not have it. No! No! Was the primary word he yelled aloud. Why? Why? Is what he said to himself. As quick she entered, she exited. Ethan was, needless to say, not happy.
She engages the drain in the bathtub and waits for all of the water to vacate, before she, in turn, does the same. She prepares her self dinner, alone and enjoys this living situation.
Meanwhile, Ethan is frantic and collapsing quickly. He still believes she is his passion and to him, he still has it/her. A thought appears in his head, randomly, “Was the act of attaching streamers of paper really a useful marketing scheme when selling fans?’ He had never actually seen this in action but had seen it probably on the tele, ‘Did the flowing streams of paper really insinuate refreshment?’ ‘What now, why is she is hiding?’
Resolution is in the air. Confrontation looms.
Ethan, after pressing six digits and then hanging up finally proceeds to make a complete call, she answers the telephone. ‘Hey, what’s up’ he asks, ‘Nothing much and yourself’ she replies, ‘So you wanna, I don’t know, like, hang out’ to which she declares, ‘Ethan I think we need some time apart,’ his heart drops. ‘Can I just see you?’ She hesitantly agrees they make arrangements to meet at a neutral cafĂ© tomorrow at seven o’clock post meridian.
He arrives a full fifteen minutes early and runs through what he wants to say, somewhat audible to those around him. He decides that it is necessary to tell her that she is his passion. Briefly distracted he thinks about how Alexander G. Bell filed the patent for the telephone only 2 hours before another man, whose name escapes him. Then back to his plan and release of information, he wants to use the right words. He tries this in his mind ‘ you are my passion, this isn’t fashion, its here to stay, please don’t diminish the ration of my passion.’ Soon thereafter he decides to leave the rhyming behind and then she enters.
‘Hello’ he says first, she responds with a greeting of equal tone. Then the both begin to speak at the same time, to destroy the silence and their mingled words create what sounds like equipment downward, although neither of them said either of these words. Their situation forewarns of awkwardness to come. He can’t help but think of a lyrics from song that went something to the effect, ‘can you wait for the sidewalk?’ He comes out of his comatose state when she inquires why he wanted to meet her. His reply his mumbled and eventually comes out. He says, ‘you are my passion,’ her face, which was always a good indicator of her sentiments, makes a rather disorientated expression. ‘What? How am I your passion? What does that even mean?’ He, befuddled, was not ready for this interrogation, he hadn’t planned on it. ‘Um, you know, you are my passion, you know, like, you know, my subject of enthusiasm’ he clamors.
She is still taken aback and remains stoic for a unit-less amount of time. ‘I can’t deal with this right now. Passion, I am not your passion, I am just a girl.’ He states, ‘you have to be, I mean, why else would I have such strong feelings for you, you are probably one of the coolest people I have ever met.’ ‘Its called a crush you’ll get over it, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way and just not now okay.’ She gets up to leave and remembers the disturbing photograph and throws it on the table, ‘you can have this back.’ He picks it up and looks at it for the first time, the image is on the borderline of disturbing. On the back he notices the words you won’t forget me. How did won’t derive from will not?

Monday, September 09, 2002


Like a sea of broken glass,
Heading towards my humble wrath,
I cannot change the past,
I have chosen this path.

I will not change my path.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

today (right now) this is how i feel: blah. Its one of those days that you want to say 'go away' but you really just want to be hugged.
so it goes.

Saturday, September 07, 2002

toying with mediocrity.
places ill never see,
keep me awake at night.
for whose sake do I fight?

i give up.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

a picture is worth a thousand words.
your screams will not be heard.

useless to say, i will not be deterred.

masked by those with education,
the story crumbles upon its foundation.

hurtful words are now out to play,
trying to keep the secrets away.

like a wave of shattered glass.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

its amazing how much of me is spent on this subject. dumb girls. i dont even want to date. you would think that i did, but i dont, which makes the whole situtation more weird. problems arise from the preconceptions of boy girl relationships and where they lead.

Monday, September 02, 2002

seen it in a light i have never seen it in before, so this new knowledge will most likely take me somewhere.


this news has made me realize i am insane ( not in a clinical sense), i need to end the apathy.

call me.

Sunday, September 01, 2002

my mind is filled with (kinda). not always thinking, but at least omnipresent(not really though). well not exaclty consumption, but just there, so i guess i am being exagerative. i'll see what happens, when something appears to be right but maybe is not and only appears right for one of us but not for the other, making it not right, right? danielle started school today and i am trying to read the book.

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

i am now at school. overwhelmed, a little like always. and people, me. i live with the crickets. I have been once again deluged with feelings for someone who is amazing, yet these will just ferment for now, more than likely, forever for fear that truth will cut the cord. i also have to come to a conlusion with another (person). I am still feeling 'blah'.

why do we insert all this effort into gf or bf relationship and to an extent put are other relationships on auto?

i miss my friends, or rather have missed them, even when then there, everyone is busy or pretends to be.

miss me tonight.

Saturday, August 17, 2002

send me an angel.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002

tonite, we watched 'the man who was never there' it was a decent flick and then part of the movie 'trekkies'. In the midst of this we payed charlie to eat a part of a habanero pepper, we laughed, while his mouthed burned and his insides gurgled. i was excited before to go to school, but now I am a little aprehensive. 2 more days of work at the hotel. will you be my friend? this, i think, will be my tagline for meeting new people, or perhaps, instead I will say something to th effect ' do you like nirvana and pearl jam, 'cuz they wail' yeah, so I am loser, I was looking up tourdates for the casket lottery, cursive, etc for the upcoming year, I just haven't been going to concerts and to a degree this is not troublesome.

yup. goals, however pipedreamish or not, seem to not get accomplished.

a fence was on my car this morning.

Monday, August 12, 2002

sometimes it seems like I am the one that has to make the effort, well at least in some of my relationships. & i have somewhat become tired of this task. the reason: well, because it makes me think if this person doesn't have the energy to want to contact me w/o I being the leader, then i say to you 'you're number one (through body language)' and forget 'it'. basically i am looking for recipricocity, which i think is warranted.


just a sparkle in the sun.
i don't know why she cries.
it seems we're always on the run.
from the secrets in our lives.

a flutterance of joy.
costumed in a parade.
the light still shimmers,
through the window in a telephone booth.

I am making that important call,
i was told to make it.
now that time has come,
i'd rather just forget. (than forgive)

10 months and still no sign.
better off this way, is my lie.
yet i still create and destroy.
the tinkerings of man, not a boy.

Saturday, August 10, 2002

i don't think I'll be bragging, when I talk to someone and they cry. Why, I am not really sure? So, do I feel the distance between, my friends and I, yes, is it really there? I don't know but I am not sure that matters when I perceive that it is there. I feel kind of lump on a luggish and want to escape from this, but not really sure if escape is that right word. I just need to be stronger in my convictions and be happy with the path that I choose. until then.

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

summer is wastin' away, when this occurs, i wish i wasn't working and that my summer had been more punk rock.

so, i have 6 more days to work. kind of wish it was zero. but i am alright, gotta get ready for the real world.

i want to play more music, alas, it may happen.

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

right now, i am having mixed emotions about this upcoming school year and the things associated with it.

shooting star: I'm the witness.
shooting star: can't dismiss this.

Sunday, August 04, 2002

i have just completed the novel, the savage girl, it was a good read, a recomendation from my friend jeff. i have started another book. currently, as of now, I am located in the state of wisconsin. I am at my grandfather's house, which situated on a wonderful, green farm. yes, i will, i'll stop picking it, or at least i'll try.

-they exit elevator #2, on the 7th floor heading west.-

"between you and me, you have to lend me three bucks for a pack of cigarettes" "all i got is is 23 cents" "well then you have to get me three bucks" " i don't think that is possible"

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

a. sometimes it is nice to have a significant other, because they can provide a social security.
b. feeling a little out of place lately, or perhaps, lacking that location (non-physical) of belonging.
c. i have been sneezing a lot today.
d. i haven't been sleeping well.
e. i somtimes want summer to end, so i don't have to work, but that is dumb, b/c if i wasn' t working, i still would be doing nothing. i want to start school so i can see people, but i haven't really seen people here and this may be the root of my despondentness. i wish i was better friends with some people and that some of my relationships didn't feel stagnet now. my goals for the summer were not really accomplished, so it goes. so i am just kinda here, right now. maybe you can help me change that.

Monday, July 29, 2002

lost and found.

I want to learn. Learning makes us better.

Saturday, July 27, 2002

occasionally, like tonight, for example, i enjoy to be funny. I suppose this is subjective, but i enjoy repeating words or phrases, in tones that are tweaked in some manner. tonight the word was movie. i also drooled abit on my self, while shaking my head vigorously, as a result of this, aside from the projectile spittle, i got a headache. good night.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

its hard to shake. how do i release myself from the anxiety of the financial qualms, or ponderances. consumption.

mon·ey Pronunciation Key (mn)
n. pl. mon·eys or mon·ies
A medium that can be exchanged for goods and services and is used as a measure of their values on the market, including among its forms a commodity such as gold, an officially issued coin or note, or a deposit in a checking account or other readily liquifiable account.
The official currency, coins, and negotiable paper notes issued by a government.
Assets and property considered in terms of monetary value; wealth.

Pecuniary profit or loss: He made money on the sale of his properties.
One's salary; pay: It was a terrible job, but the money was good.
An amount of cash or credit: raised the money for the new playground.
Sums of money, especially of a specified nature. Often used in the plural: state tax moneys; monies set aside for research and development.
A wealthy person, family, or group: to come from old money; to marry into money.


am i still fond of you?
it wavers,
what do I want?
the truth,
from me, for me
it is selfish, but this is 'real'
my osciliations are what keep me in check,
through the crests and troughs,
if you (we) rough it through,
what was once unstability,
will be the past that was true.

i want to be punk rock.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

to be truthful and to be overtly mean can have similiar routes. one can be honest, but choose to omit things that do not have any positive qualities, but yet do not alter meanings, or leave something really missing if they are unsaid. some people say they are just brutally honest, whereas it appears to me they are just assholes with an excuse. these ideas make sense to me. so i would like to say everything i thought to people, but this concept is foreign and people may be freaked, as well as, it make me more of an ass and lastly i am not strong to do this all the time.

14 units of time have yet to calm me.
its the fear that feeds me, keeps me.
similar to a foreign forehead, i crouch.
at the uncertainity, the spontaintity.
i dont like to call it hiding, but it is.
i hide from the indulgence or want.
makes me think of you,
and what i want, but i don't really want it.
i think i do though.

yeah, i don't like regrets, so why have them.

Friday, July 19, 2002

wildy anticipating, oddly my pulse is fading.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

i often set goals up for myself, that are rather quickly left to the wayside, or that is to say they are forgotten. sometimes, they are trivial, but all are to make me better somehow in my mind, if not in others too. i have never met anyone named whitney. so lately i have been feeling lame, not like a sick being, but boring, without passion, all around kind of blah. my friends are not very good at keeping conversations with me, or perhaps vice versa, so everything is blah, i find it harder at times to talk to my 'old' friends, as opposed to new, currently, i am not sure who's design this is, but its happening like this. and with other things, i guess sometimes the metaphorical spark is not presesnt, but does it need to be, this is also a quandry i have been dealing with as of late. then again maybe i am searching for something that does not need to be found, not to say that it is lost. i suppose if i discontinue saying that i am lame, then perhaps i won't be it to such an extent if at all, o por lo menos, no tendria estes sentimientos. sin emabargo, estoy contento, creo que si. so i think and this is okay, i like stuff and still want to be 'smart.'

Tuesday, July 16, 2002

when i awake at 5:50am by 4pm I am really tired. anyway, i feel like a bum when I work, becuase when i get back form work i am drained and find it hard to do other stuff. rode my bike yesterday to defeat my groginess. so i still have not played guitar in tandem with jeff for sometime, soon? soda crackers (saltines) with butter are really tasty.

Sunday, July 14, 2002

need to play more guitar.
but i was thinking today, when is the last time that i asked myself WWTD, What Would (mike) Tyson Do?
or how i want to make more contractions in the 'merikan language.

but really, i need to jam more.

Friday, July 12, 2002

hung with onur today, people have been giving me slack about living with 7 people next year. i desire the cleanliness that derives from exercise. rode bikes today. learned that laura made out with mike lorr, really really strange. i might go camping tomorrow, prayers for Danielle and my mom who are bothing have medical stuff tomorrow. money still can suck it sideways, i can't escape the problems that i create from it. rejoice . . .

Thursday, July 11, 2002

i just played frisbee, ultimate, and now i am sweaty. traffic makes me mad, with my new work schedule i sit in traffic, bye bye life. as of now, if i could have any super power, i would choose that of teleportation, most people choose invisibility but they are mostly fueled by greed. anywho, tomorrow i pick up Onur from the airport to hang out. then he will be whisked away to never never land the the christoff's. i have acquired some music recently and i like it. don't call me pretty baby.

Tuesday, July 09, 2002

sometimes its hard to justify the wage i receive in turn for my life, sometimes not, it all depends on where i place the weight. so i am excited about this new adventure, R.M.D, i hope it goes well for both parties.

Sunday, July 07, 2002

so we went camping this weekend, we had some tickets in the parking lot, some falling in the water, b farm, etc it was dubbed 'eat fest 2002' and it was FUN. lately i have been discussing with friends, about the a.) stigmas/societal condintioning with platonic relationships between heterosexuals of different genders, b.) maybes, c.) the sometimes contrived nature of hetero relationships, d.) the word terrrorism orginated from 'the reign of terror' during the french revolution.

triceratops oatmeal, ... that's it.

Friday, July 05, 2002

so right now i feel bad, because my friends and I had a plan to go to the WI dells and have a good time, but like mice and men, the best laid plans often go ary. so i don't know what happened, i lost the spunk that i had to go on this adventure. i don't feel bad because it is my fault, i have been told its not my fault, but rather, because i feel for my friends' feelings and how this was going to be an adventure away, away from ties that bind and to see stuff not seen, so in that respect it sucks. and I, the ass, feel. maybe i shouldn't but i do, i do feel bad-ish. i don't really know what else to say.

Tuesday, July 02, 2002

i stand at work & my neck hurts. i dont do much at work and i haven't been reading alot, so, basically i suck. as before with relationships with females, my buddy b, told me to look at the relationship with my sister and how it grows etc, w/o this hetero magnet thing, i guess that works but she is my sister. right now i dont ever want a real job, like most. i am going to brush my teeth now.

i just wrote a bunch of crap and it didn;t publish. phooey. i am sweaty, i was talking about standing, disconnectedness, and shaving hairy backs.

Sunday, June 30, 2002

last nite i went to improv & i wasn't that funny, but this is okay, because i can't always be funny, i know. i didn't get out any abortion or other taboo/social commentary jokes, but you win some. passion, is it overrated, or i am just obsessing. hmmm? i need to read more, becuase i want to be smart (educated). i am at home and i don't do much. i polished my boots today. girls. girls, are nice, in fact i like them and think sometimes i can talk to them better than the average male. but sometimes others seem that an attraction (physical or mental) will occur and this causes me to think since i dont this is always or has to be the case. is it that "this person is a girl and we get along and i am hetero then we should date or some non-sense like this". so then i start again. here i am. i have been selling stuff on ebay and playing guitar. i am limited with my gutair skills and i suppose this could upset me, but i am complacent(sp). so i might now advance to this situation i am holding back on, because, in honesty, we live only once and well sometimes it looks good and sometimes it looks bad, really bad.
using this logic i would also get a tattoo.
i have also been thinking about how we edit ourselves, on purpose or otherwise. trying to create a perception of ourself that might not be true and that might not be the same for every person.
** i love water. water is really beautiful. **

Saturday, June 29, 2002

right now i am holding back, and making excuses, about making this decision/commitment becuase i am waiting for, or thinking about, something i once wanted, knoowing that now this older situation won't happen and is better if it doesn't . but, just maybe....

if i take the new and an oppurtunity for the old arises, then what?

Thursday, June 27, 2002

sometimes, i think, that is reflect, like Mrs. Jurgens made us do at the end of each quarter, that I am a rather low mantinence, almost boring guy, and i don't mind.

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

money is a pest in my life from time to time and at times i dwell upon the subject with too much intensity. money , money , its silly.
why do i work / (slash) give my life for a few bucks an hour? to buy stuff with money, but what stuff do i need to buy? exactly. exactly. i wish i just had it, that school was paid for, that my parents had no debt, but then i would be a different person.

Tuesday, June 25, 2002

what would my life be like if i didn't listen to rock'n'roll? the first rock tape i got was jimi hendrix, ultimate experience. i, myself, and alot of others identify each other or their groups, etc using the music they are aurally stimulated by. so i was just thinking.

Monday, June 24, 2002

somtimes i am a loser. this was a spark test.
(Submissive Extrovert Abstract Thinker )

Like just 6% of the population you are a MENTOR (SEAT). Some would call you the most powerful and influential of all people. Those people are wrong.

The reality is that you DON'T really WANT to impose personal views or beliefs on others. Yet you are extroverted and intelligent, and you like to get involved. So you help others with the pursuit of knowledge.

You're the reason that people say "teachers are also students." You are as much a learner as a master, and this satisfies you.

You won't die a lonely death, but towards the end you'll grow introspective, wondering if your life meant anything. This will last for decades, and you'll die after your spouse.

my sentiments relating to work always arise when i get a job. is this amount of money really worth the barter, that is to say exchange, of money for my life. the answer, i think, according to me, will most likely always be 'no'. forever? maybe.

i saw minority report last nite, it was a good flick.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

i have just regressed from this party, or perhaps more elegantly stated i have just returned to my home. i was at a party, where the most of the people consumed alcohol (at one point i could draw the the structure for ethyl alcohol) or maybe the alcohol consumed them. i decided that getting drunk is not for me, besides the obvious health risks, i mean becoming drunk in truth is killing yourself. so to me if i drink, why not smoke, eat meat, etc. or maybe this is just crap. i like my friends for the most part better when they are sober, now that i have drank (across the sea), i can make this choice, without hearing the addage don't diss it 'till you try it, even though that saying is really not important to me. i guess i dont get the appeal, and this is probably a good thing for me, with my family history.
my assinine behavior has been about the same, though i am trying (in theory) to be less assinine. i guess i only edit myself around certain people, and when i do this its because i really like these people or because i have very little intrest in them, or in other words, people from both ends of the gamut.

i am a creep, you've already crept.
you are asleep, i've already slept.
under the north wind, i've begin to spin.
i admire your courage,(&) the truths you have foraged.
now you edit your memories,(&) i am just one of the sundries.
you are weeping, i've already wept.

now i know how joan of arc felt.

Saturday, June 22, 2002

my prayers are almost always bonded with newly made wants of worry. and with this, afterwards, i think that maybe this is not cool. that if i am going to have these prayers, or rather say these prayers, which are actually tacit, well at least non-verbal to other non-telepathics, that i should do outside of times, situations, etc where they are not a want. usually they are for safety, for someone other than myself. like now, which soon, or most likely soon, i will we think, boy, was that unfounded or what?

Thursday, June 20, 2002

i have started.
the x marked my stop, but i missed it.
now i have no destination,
i truly would like to find, find one.
a real one.
my question now is - How?

i went to wisconsin and there were many wonderul smells, mostly released from plants being cutdown. they were glorious. saw grandpa, he is doing well for an 83 year old with emphysema(sp). Then i thought, not a new thought, everyone i know and don't know, will one day die. this is not necessarily an emotional thing. but i was speaking with Jeff about the fact the he has never had anyone close to him die and this truth to an extent makes him feel like less of a person, not experiencing this situation. i was like i guess, but on this idea, we are all less of person because we can not possibly expereince everything. this why we rely on each other to relate certain things, in order to advance ourselves as much as we can, to reach a destination.

Monday, June 17, 2002

it was brought to my attention yesterday that perhaps online journals are lame. i then decided why i like them.

a. as of know i havent given anyone this address. private, kinda.
2. It helps me write knowing there is the potential for someone else to read it, i like it better when i feel like i am writing to someone else, even though in theory i am writing to myself.
c. you're a gimp

Last night i saw a thing about people who were blind and this new medical advancement making them not blind, or less blind. Then i thought about how dependant we are ( i am ) on vision. Some of the best communication is unspoken and while we maybe able to still accomplish this communication w/o sight, i think it would be way different. i suppose this is true about many thing, i digress.

still on the hunt for a job.

Sunday, June 16, 2002

played some music yesterday, i dont really like my voice for singing because i get an idea in my head of how i want it to sound and it does not sound that way. me and jeff did jam though it was fun, we are thinking of maybe writing some rap-metal/nu-metal songs. i have read one book this summer and have started two more. i have read 'the river why' by david james duncan and now i am reading 'a peoples history of the united states' -by howard zinn and 'brief interviews with hideous men' -by david foster wallace. i need to do more, fufil my desires of fufillment, and be outside more.

Saturday, June 15, 2002

sometimes things from the past surface, which i guess is a given. or sometimes maybe you fuel that situation. but then what. you want part of it but not all of it, or maybe just that part that one time and then what. it is nice outside right now and i just got out of bed. so right now i am dealing with my past in the future. Tambien, hoy hablé con mi amigo en Espana, ! que guay! also, i have made a resolve not to be such an ass, i'll see how this goes.

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

the absence of passion, still plagues me. from time to time.