Tuesday, October 05, 2004

size 6, vintage styling
this past weekend i was whisked away to urbana, illinois. hi, i am in urbana, illinois. and i had a wonderful time. the time i spent with her was marvolous, we had (i felt) a reconnection (for lack of better term) and i felt good. i am usually Grumpy McGrumps when i first arrive in urbana for any number of self-delusioned reasons. fortunately that was short lived. and for the first time i wasnt the only one outwardly 'upset' at my leaving and this made my heart heavy. i have decided that i am allowed not to like my situation here, i am allowed to change my mind. and i feel i may need to do just that.

we go through things like when one moves like - of course its going to be hard and that its something you just got to buckle down and do. but is it, why leave just to do it or for the reason it has to be done sooner or later. that rationale belongs to the absurd, but i guess i/we are irrational, but that leaves me no solace, i still think that its not something we have to do or have to live with. i am allowed to say this was silly or whatever.

today was the first day i got a little nervous about school work and with that brings a different cloud. --- my current thing is that i just want a masters degree and more or less its content is not of the most importance, i just want the methods associated within it and the sheet of paper it will afford me, which makes me think that moving somewhere else or moving back would not alter my educational/work path. its so easy not to give a shit.

job: eh, thinking about having some sort of 9-5 job does not thrill me. i dont want to do anything sometimes.

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